Saturday, February 19, 2005


I'm sitting on the TV couch trying in vain to start my psychology project, mentally berating myself from all the time I've wasted, and my mother was watching this utterly stupid movie and I just screamed at her without meaning and I wish she was just away having fun somewhere else so that she doesn't have to notice how broken I am.

She notices I'm stressed. She hates it, she hates me for what I just did, thinks I'm an ungrateful little bitch who can't take into account the years of love and care she has bestowed on me.

How bitter is the taste of her victory. That she is right. That she has raised a wretched little monster who cannot even speak to her civilly.

Today I wanted to be good, I wanted to do good, I wanted to smile and think that what I did was what I should have done. So I woke up and went to my college course and took notes and tried to find out when I have the blasted English exam for college admission. And here is the crucial difference in my life, the way in which the two most important people in it can hurt me. Because when I, without being asked, washed the plates of everyone's breakfast at my father's house I got nothing, not even a passing thank you, not even a kind look. Simply nothing.

So why do I bother to please someone who does not care? Why do I bother if he will never care?

And now I should have started working hours ago but I didn't and I'm snappish and in an awful mood and cannot even begin to conceive how people can stand being in the same zip code as me when I am this bitchy.

And every time I move a hand or take a breath I am thinking, she doesn't approve of this, this mess of papers that is my project, how could anyone? And no matter how much I try finally, in the last lap, in the last second I always manage to do something or be something that somehow in a mysterious aberration of the law of equality manages to erase every good thing I have ever achieved.

I just don't know... I'm so tired... and I keep thinking, that if only for the sake of my mother I should put a bullet through this silly little skull of mine...

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