Saturday, May 31, 2003

I am listening to "Plainsong" by The Cure as I attempt to finish my chapter for Elaine. Today Sunday was unexceptional, but not painful. Went out with my father and ate at my grandmother's again. Driving lessons proceed (moved the car hysterically complaining about passers-by) and I was heartily bored during most of the day. Not much to tell, apart from my uncle's couple Rocio. Everytime I see her I like her more. I don't know her whole story, or her children's, or perhaps anything of consequence. But she is cheerful and funny and loves my uncle and makes him happy I think. That is good. She is the sort of person I would like to discuss things with. I didn't know she danced just a few months ago.
Went to Comics Imp and hoped to find the Clanbook: Baali for sale in English. It's the inspiration I need to keep writing Derre's present (which still doesn't have a title), well that or the Constantinople by Night which I will have to get by Amazon or not at all. dad bought the Giovanni Chronicles IV and gave me this month's check. He has been unusually generous about money lately.
Well, Adrian is feeling bad again and I'm afraid for him, though too jaded at the momento to make much of a row about it. He told me Computing Exam was on Monday so tomorrow I'll have to study the whole book the whole day. That is why Elaine chapter must be finished tonight. Will get back to it a hopefully go to sleep early tonight.
Millie on the msn. It's always a comfort having her speaking to me. I want Derre's present to be wonderful and meaningful to make Millie proud. I want it to reflect all the pain and shame the characters feel, I want it to be realistic and sensitive. I want a miracle from my tired inspiration.
B-day Extraordinaire!
Listening at last to my wonderful Evanescence CD, obviously the single "Bring me to Life". I am tired and happy and content with the world. My only grudge is that I couldn't speak to D on the telephone, but everything else was wonderful today! My dearest Adrian was seventeen today, all of us drawing ever closer to the legal age at last. The exams at the beginning of the day were but a trifle. Spanish Literature and History. Spanish was actually quite fun, very much like the English Literature one. History was a slight more difficult, perhaps because I had neglected the subject so much lately.
After that it was a matter of walking to Adrian's house which is , of course, very close to the school. Lorena came with us and it was with her help that I bought Adrian's birthday cake. Chocolate for the record. We didn't manage to hide it from him for longer than what it took us to leave the store. But I suppose he liked the surprise anyway.
Very shameful indeed, I was so tired I fell asleep in Adrian's bedroom when we got there. I had fallen asleep at one in the morning yesterday night and getting up for the exams coupled with my exhaustion from yesterday's walk nocked me out completely for the first part of the day. Thank god my mother was late, she had threatened to come and pick me up at five p.m. which would have inabled me to be with Andrea and everyone else during Adrian's b-day party. She came at eight almost which was quite good for me as I was already getting tired again. Well anemia I guess, or lack of sleep, or both.
I like going out, I like being with my friends, even with Lore. Sometimes I wonder if she actaully feels anything more than just superficial frienship and crushes. Andrea told her that she thought "love" was a strong word. She answered that she thought the same and that was why she seldom used it. I cannot but remember the day I asked her if she thought what she felt for Javier was worth our friendship. Asked her if she loved him: she said yes, with all her heart. They are no longer a couple and I've just learned that she was enamoured with one of her internet friends at the same time. I don't feel resentful anymore, but my mind keeps going after those petty details, memories of the suffering that nearly killed me a year ago.
The truth is, I couldn't be happier right now. I have everything I could ever hope to have. I have people who love me, people so wonderful and special like Adrian and Millie, and I'm finally coming to terms with Andrea. God her mother has the beginnings of cancer. I hope they'll be alright.
"My Last Breathe" is playing on my MusicMatch as I close this for today. I just read Adrian's blog and I have to say that I love making people happy. It gives one such a different idea of the world. Just being there, hearing them laugh, seeing them smile. I love my friends, all of them. I love D so much it hurts when I think of his trembling arms around me as if he were fearing my sudden departure, when the truth is I am the one who can't ever believe he'll stay.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Satan's Night Out
Did something of consequence today, am proud. Went out to meet with my long lost best friend Andrea. We had it planned most of the week though, because both of us wanted to meet one of her internet friends by the name of Satoru. So it was quite the Odyssey going through half the city and trying to find his college and then trying to find him. But I suppose it was worth it, I always love meeting the friends I have made through the web. Somehow it's something important for me, getting to know new people and opening my social circle as they say. We picked Adrian up in the way. I liked that part, I don't like leaving him alone because he gets to brooding and that's not good for anyone. He is just such a wonderful, funny and likeable person. Lovable unlike Millie and yet with the same intensity. I'm glad I spent the day with him and with Andrea.
So strange that Millie and I were talking of her yesterday night, about how I miss sleeping with her next to me... with anyone really. It's been ages since I could invite a girl to sleep over. Millie said she had her cousins at home all the time, but I have no cousins who are my age and share my interests. It was a very intimate sort of conversation with Millie, the kind that makes me just hate Fate for not making a sister like her for me. I would just love to have her here; I don't have to hide anything with her, nothing I say to her ever makes me feel ashamed, even when she says I am pure and adorable I actually can believe her. nothing she could ever tell me can make me love her less.
It was awkward suddenly remembering all these things and having Andrea so close, like sometimes I believe I used to be in love with her because we shared so much that I share with Millie. Still, we shared the physical contact as well. She was scared to hell when Lorena told her and it's funny really. Did she love me too? I don't think Lorena loved me , she hurt me so much without even feeling sorry for it. Have been speaking bad about her all day, no I shouldn't, but still it feels so damn good to do so.
How the hell can those girls manage to please men so quickly? I wish I had that ability. But well, I don't need it, I have D and he is all I will ever want. Corny but true. Still feel resentful about they're greater attractiveness.
Have just read Noemi's blog and I think I can understand her abotu the schoolwork. She shouldn't blame herself so much, what's happening to her now is completely horrible and unfair. For her and for Millie all my love because they are my daily reason to go on with life. Some girls are just so brave they make me want to cry.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Muses Fail
Nothing done all day; nothing, nothing at all. Woke up at the disgusting hour of twelve a.m. and haven't done a thing since then. Just a very small paragraph on Elaine. For some reason yesterday's inspiration left me and I haven't picked up Derre's present. So here I am feeling sorry for myself when there is nothing wrong with just not being able to write. It makes me feel so stupid, so useless, like I'm going to do nothing with my life. Just get up everyday and stare at the glowing screen and write a few worthless lines and go on with my mediocre unimportant life. I will look at the world and it won't look back towards me. That's how I feel these days, however rested and at peace I am in the morning I always end up despising myself at night. I feel so dirty and slothful, I can't stand to look at the mirror and think of all the pretty and intelligent girls I know. That's when I know I don't deserve Diego. I don't deserve him or friends like Adrian (I forgot his b-day haha) or Millie. I'm doing nothing with my life.
Mom wasn't here for lunch yet I was fed. Everything is so easy for me. Everything is handed to me.
I talked to my friends throught the net and was ashamed when D found me there. Why? Don't know.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Why do people insist on ruining my perfect morning? For the second day in a row I have been awakened by a call telling me I have ten minutes to get to my exam... WHAT exam? I had none in my time table for today. It seemed a nightmare at the moment, or a bad joke from a friend. Actually I was wronglly entered (again) for the Extended Physics exam and I had to go all the way to my school just to sort that detail out. Either way I was definately not going to go throw an extended exam, but since it had been another mistake I was simply sent back home. Needless to say it ruined my day-off as yesterday's was ruined by the maths exam.
It gave me a headache and a bad temper and probably dried my inspiration up as I can't seem to think of anything remotely good for this weeks chapter. Elaine is a dead character now I know. So now she'll just be nasty to Marius and to Mordaunt and I shall have to wait for Foxy to give me some more inspiration. On the other hand Mei is coming alive so much. Will just do a quick scenes this week and dedicate it all to Derrewyn's present. Beginning finally came up! Am happy because of that and I hope I can keep the purpose of the RPG chapter. Somehow I always end up taking the whole week even when I want it to be short.
Went to the therapist today and he wouldn't let me talk about anything but going to Santa Cruz. Really, why is everyone so bent on me leaving the life I have come to enjoy (at last!) here? I wanted to tell him about how worried I am for Diego but he wanted to speak only about the thrice-damned trip. I love my therapist I really do. Unlike most of my friends I do believe this sort of thing works and I wanted to try it because I was in pain and needed help. Well, he has helped and I thank him, but I think that much of the good done during each session is because I want to be there. Paola doesn't want to be with hers and neither does Diego. So it's just plain torture for them. Adrian and Lorena are of the same oppinion. Psychiatrists simply don't work. Oh well, so is my father, he just takes his pills and forgets about the rest.
I love my mother and I hate seeing her sick. She is the only reason why I would go to Santa Cruz. I always take her for granted but she is so heart-breakingly lovable to me. I just can't leave her.
Maybe I'm more like my father than I thought I was.

Monday, May 26, 2003

I am drowning
The whole damn computer is spinning and windows just keep poping and poping. I can't stand the noise I need the music at full blast, something is threatening to devour me... a quiet sort of frustration and I can't stand it. Everyone wants a piece of me and I want a piece of myself... I don't want to tell them to go I love them.
Sorry I can't get a coherent word out of here.
And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man

Over and over the words of shame and deprive, I love you so much won't you give me your heart? You have all of mine, every bit even the ugly ones which make me blush in shame. I love you and you destroy yourself with such a dispassionate calm. I hate innuendos and half truths. God why must I love you so? Yes you are a demon my Belial, my love, my Prince of Pride. Look at me and tell me you would destroy me with the same ease? You would you would! Damn you! I love you so much, don't you dare leave me. Don't you dare speak of betrayel! I can't stand it. Not you my honey-eyed Ganymede, my cruel Belial. My life my soul.
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear

Words confuse me, they tear me to shreds for the amusement of a roman crowd. I will not listen to words, yours or Javier's, I love you and you love me. You must, because the other option is simply too brutally cruel for me to contemplate. I will trust your eyes and your hands, I will deny the bitter lies in your lips. Adrian is right. Lies suck. They will destroy me and I love you. The naked itellect is such an inaccurate tool, all it tells me is that I can't possibly deserve the sheer perfection of your love.
I am falling I am fading I have lost it all
This must be our song... we heard it together and we both love it. How horribly ironic.
Hello world I am in pain, I am in darkness... it was all such a nice day till you called my deamonic love. But I forgive you, God please forgive me too for the sin of my love.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Dreary day with grey skies and toiling clouds. Could hear the thunder ever since I woke up, early for once on a Sunday morning. Wanted to get up earlier but fell asleep at four o'clock in the morning yesterday and I was bearly alive by elven a.m.
Wrote, ate Japanese food, and read Millie's newest Messiah pages. I did enjoy myself terribly. My mother was tired so she kept off my tail all day except when we had to go and eat and when she wanted the phone. still the constant of her presence in the house is somethign I know I would miss. I've learn it the hard way, staying for weeks alone in my father's ex-appartment where I was alone all the time. She is my security and I hate to see her tired. It's that way with grown-ups sometimes, when they are tired they seem depressed and they worry me terribly.
I have an aversion to depressed people, can't stand other people's pain. It reminds me of my own and I don't want anyone to go through that.
But let's not think of that today. Today was a calm and normal day that I enjoyed inmensly. got rested and was able to finish my chapter for CoR. Still due to a lack of inspiration the last parts were rather rushed and not much to my liking. Met one of Joel's friends through the net and I'm glad to see he seems as sweet as Joel himself. Well noboday can be that sweet. Maybe if circumstances had been different and we lived closer together we might be dating.
Well lack of inspiration means I haven't started Derre's present even though I should have long ago. I want it to be espectacular and it doesn't want to come out as it should.
Will read through the chpaters I'm missing from CoR, but will see teh EoW one first. Xtian is on the msn asking for opinions hehehe.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Castles in the Air
Went with dad. I am glad. I am happier because of it. I think.
It is pleasent to be near him for once in a while, to enjoy the everyday things that are the company of my kid-cousins and my father's family. He went on with the driving lessons today and I liked it, as I managed to move the car a bit. We ate at my grandma's and I saw my cousins... it still is a diminished vision of what used to happen on Saturdays before... well before my grandfather died.
He was my first real death I fear and I hadn't really understood what it meant until I saw the family falling apart. He was the pillar, as they say, the support that held us together for sucha long years. we used to go at his house and eat there every Saturday. His huge, dark, elegant house. Red paint. A fountain in the garden. A basement. It was a dream, a veritable dream right out of the Victorian world. A world full of dainty tea-sets and expensive after-meals. It was the haunted house of my first childhood, where the wind blew hollowly through the trees and scared me to near death.
Like the family, it has fallen apart.
I'm glad my uncle Bernardo was not there much, when the brothers are all together they tend to be horridly unpleasant to my grandmother. Really, no respect for her at all, they are rude and I can't blame them. I certainyl love her but she has done very little for the family bonds that were so fragile. My aunt Olimpia wasn't there either. She never is. My father is resentive of her as are most of my uncles I think. It's still no reason why I shouldn't see her.
My mother was cranky about the late warning but it can't be helped. She resents my father because he has been such a lousy one. She thinks talking to him is going to work. I don't. He has his own world in which he is my dream dad and nothing will take it from him. He keeps on saying I'm just an adolescent, as if it were a disease, the explanation for all my troubles. It's not, it heightens them, but it's not the whole of it. He has always been the rude, uncompromising thought. But the fact is I loved him when I was a child, even thoguh he took me for granted. He was the first unrequited love of my life. I don't know if I can ever get that back, but at least I hope I can stop hating him sometimes.
All in all was a pretty nice day. Normal. Unimportant in the grand shcheme of things. No great revelation came to me today. No wonderful love even though yesterday's smile still lingers in my face (I love you D! I really do!). But maybe it will be more significant than I thought. Maybe this is the beginning of something more with my father. I hope it is.
I don't want to go to Santa Cruz.

Dead Servant

Find out what bishonen you are.

I am a Dragon of Earth, what are you?
Which Dragon are you?
Take other quizzes at Newsies Meets Anime...Anime Meets Newsies...

Thought I would be a Dragon of Heaven. I think humans are lovable even through all their mistakes, because well, because they are like a great complex barroquian cathedrals and you have to take them all in small groups, never through the whole thing. Otherwise you'll be overwhelmed and you won't be able to make up your mind about them. D says we humans complain a lot, that we are bothersome. We are, truth be told. But I don't think I would have us any other way. Maybe it's because I'm happy.
Daddy Dearest
Daddy called... OMG!! Will be going with him tomorrow for a change... maybe it'll be Saturdays instead of Sundays from now on. Don't know why but I like the idea.
Millie told me about her real father and about her adoptive one yesterday night. Well I think she and Noemi are the bravest people I know. I wouldn't have lived with that. I suppose my dad is not so bad...
Not gothic, no, not with the caramel skin and the blonde highlights in his honey-brown hair. My dearest, my love, my Ganymede. He's like a dream of wheat pastures beneath the northern sun. He's not tropical, my love, he's a duotoned sepia beauty, with a rockstar's mop of hair and a cherub's smile. Would that I could describe his taste or even his musky warm smell. He closes his eyes when he kisses, and it feels so strange that I have mine opened. Almost betrayl. Almost... like a mixture of tender vulnerability and compassionate strength.
He's my angel, my love. The only man that has ever seen beauty in me.
I wish my eyes were as sweet as his. Honey eyes, honey hair and caramel skin. Yes, my profoundly delicious Ganymede.
Went to see him today as you might already guess. I was worried about yesterday's talk with Millie. She told me things that scared me... because I could do nothing about them. Well, today I decided that I would love him. It's all I can really do for him. And it worked!
So strange how everything works out in his arms...

Friday, May 23, 2003

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Seventh Heaven
Watched that program yesterday, discovered I was faintly disgusted by the light and ultimately trivial way in which they handle real life problems. Well, it was bound to be considering it's a series on the family life of a Protestant Minister... indeed I have a thing for Protestants. Usually despise them, not their beliefs per se, but what they do with them.
Not such a bad day all in all, the maths exam was quite managable...
I think Heaven is the blooming beauty of my love's eyes when he looks at me... I don't believe in God, I don't feel God like a real thing in my life, a presence, something I can sense in the deepest pit; on the contrary I believe in love, in emotions. I believe in the people around me and what they experience. Corny yes, but so soul-wrenchingly true. It's horrible being unable to help the person you love, perhaps being unable to truly understand what they're going through. I suppose it's even worst when you are being misunderstood. As I remember last year I can begin to accept that he would be both ashamed and afraid to tell me all that is wrong.
I hate innuendos, I despise that form of manipulation like nothing else in my life. I hate finding things out by other people's lips... still, I love him, I'll always be there, how candidly we run from anything that will do us good...

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Going to Hell
It does seem like I have an affinity to harpies. Seventh Level is where they make their nests. Actually I would be quite happy there I believe. It's close to Dis so I would get to visit my dearest Defágo there.
Minotaurs and gnarled trees. God that does sound like me! I am da Laberynth gal. Love my beautiful home at Knossos even if it's only fictional. I guess now I know why.
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very High
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Cruel Intentions
Oh yes! I am destructive and evil to my characters... am about to destroy an innocent's life and soul. If I can only get someone to do her, she'll come apart. I want a hollow little girleen for a character... and yes Nabokov is my God... don't know why? go and read 'Lolita'!!!
Ever thought how the tragedies of war affect a person? Not a nation, no, just a person, an everyday-go-to-work person... or maybe a go-to-school one. When those children went to war at WW I and II, did they know what they were getting into?
I suppose all this is coming from last night. i was writing the chapter for my character in communitary story. She's so young, only just 12, I didn't really know what death was at that age. I had only seen my grandfather dead. It didn't feel real. And now this veritable child gets confronted by a multitude of suffering, blood, gore. She just doesn't understand, and suddenly it's there, in all it's raw glory...
You try to help people, you are born with all these good intentions, one day you realize they are for naught. Sometimes the people you most love are the ones you most hurt. It's not on purpose, it just happens... you feel so much for them you end up hurting them...
... maybe I'm just trying to justify some people I know and myself too...

the road to Hell is paved in good intentions
Hello, this is your host. Heylel Teobath renunciate of the Solificati... or just plain Ire if you want it. This is my first entry in this experiment which I hope will work