Breathe life into this feeble heart †
Lift this mortal veil of fears †
Take these crumbled hopes etched with tears †
We’ll rise above these earthly cares †
Maturity, I believe, is not measured by the amount of family parties you can stomach. Maturity does not depend on what paperwork you have managed to complete by yourself; it’s not a measure of how many mistakes you make, or how many points you score in an exam. Maturity is not determined by the people you frequent, the friendships you cement or those you choose love.
Maturity, however, must necessarily have something to do with how you treat them.
Maturity is not about many how colds you catch, when or how you take a bath, when or how you sleep, when or how you eat your dinner. Maturity is not dressing up for important occasions or doing your hair up every day. Maturity is not how many books you read a year or how big an equation you can handle.
But maturity is as simple as not laughing at someone when they don’t understand or listening to your children when they speak.
I don’t think anyone can become an adult instantly; I truly doubt that the moment you turn eighteen you’re automatically endowed with all the tidbits of how to operate in the world. Because society has decided that a certain numeral bestows on you the power to decide does not mean that you know how to do so yet.
Right now, at 11 pm, I cannot recall a moment in my life in which I have been so content as I am now. I cannot recall a time without strife, without constant battle with myself. I cannot recall when was the last time I could simply live… before now.
And because of this it mystifies me that so many people have decided they have issues with the person I am or the lives they lead, lives so close to my own that their mere breathing brushes against mine.
It is a frustrating thing to wish for my own place, my own space to make my own mistakes. It isn’t so bad but it’s getting worse, and when everyone’s problems are so much larger than your own brief flashes of discontent it’s hard to talk about with anyone. Not that it has ever been easy.
I’m very tired of compromising, of having to examine every move I make under some imaginary lens that tells me what is right, what is healthy, what is the best for me. I’m tired of trying think like my mother, tired of trying to not be like my father. Between two warring forces of what is mentally healthy, what is not, I just want to do what makes me happy.
I wish I could make those around me as happy as they make me. I wish I could do for them all they do for me. Except my father, I want to never so much as pass him a plate again.
I’d forgotten how it felt to talk to a brick wall. Somehow, I’d been lured into a false sense of security in which I though he might have begun to listen, he might have begun to care.
How is it that someone with so much faith in my intellectual prowess that he suggests I attempt two majors at the same time can think so little of me? I’m so tired of being confused, of being judged, of being unable to say that I am simply learning how to live. I won’t change, I won’t become anything for anyone, but I can’t help asking just… do all fathers want their daughters to become pretty, to dress up, to speak quietly, to never utter a swear word in their lives, to fall in love, marry and have a bunch of brats they can proudly call grandchildren?
Why is it that you make such a show of being different, of being modern, of not minding that I might be bisexual or lesbian or whatever… and yet you comment, you think your daughter isn’t pretty or she doesn’t take baths or she needs to loose weight. Why don’t you speak to me like you speak to your stepdaughter, why don’t you treat me gently, why don’t you gush over me and love me like you do her?
It’s different from what you did to my mother. Don’t tell me I’m not tender enough or pretty enough, I’m your daughter, you brought me here and you make yourself love or I don’t think I can live. What do I have to be, who do I have to become for you to love me?
I think I’ve reached the point in which I can decide what I want to do and what is important for me. I think I’ve reached a point in which I know what is worth it for me, what I will work for.
I feel guilty for not having studied for my exams because they are important for me. I want to pass this year and get through all the pressures and all the difficult bits because that is important for me. At the moment, learning how to drive, getting voting credential, getting my driver’s license is not as important to me as doing my homework, studying, attending my college exam class or laughing with the people I call friends is. Right now, learning how to manage money or taking note of your implied insults is not my first priority.
Out of all these years, all the days that you could have been there and weren’t, out of all the times I needed your help and you weren’t there, my high school revalidation was one in which you were. And by god you are charging me for it in tears and resentment.
You weren’t so grown-up just a few years ago. You cheated your eight-year-old daughter out of money when you were desperate. You cheated on my mother when she was pregnant.
You know what the sad truth is? You never wanted me, not really, you were too frightened to want me. And when I was a baby girl you were so good to me because I was like tiny doll someone had given you, so you’d rather I be doll forever, that I repeat what you say and think only of what think and look pretty and dress up because you are terrified that I might be a real person.
Do you know how hard it is to be unwanted?
I’ve never understood why some people can’t cry, it’s all I seem find as easy as writing or philosophy. Right now, I should be asleep, but instead I’m here sitting on my bed typing because… because every day, has something worth telling.
I have quite a cold and a nasty case of pre-exam nerves. I think I can manage if I study these afternoons, but I have to go to class in the afternoon now too and mom has to drive me there and she hates it because it’s taking precious time from her. I have no more free time at school that could suffice for studying and I’m seeing the math teacher only twice before the exam to clear any doubts and am not seeing the physics teacher at all.
I keep telling myself, if I don’t do this, all my tears, all my joy, all my resentment, all my anger will worth nothing in the eyes of my parents because I could never reclaim the confidence and respect I’ve earned from them.
That is the real problem. It has nothing with grades or lies. It never had.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Simply because it took me a long time to consturct this response for a generic message board and because I have few things of interest to share:
Double-standards regarding not only racism but most social issues are an unchecked evil. The fact that persons of colour are entitled to use "nigger" to address each other, that if I call another girl "slut" you know it's ok because I am a girl too or that stereotyping by the guidelines of race, religion, sexuality or nationality can sometimes be taken lightly is simply WRONG.
If I look at your SS banner I will not immediately assume (and act upon the assumption) that you like Nazis, are descended from Nazis, spew Nazi ideals and would generally shoot me if I even began pronouncing the word "Adonai". However, if you choose to speak to me about issues of racial "purity" as you so eloquently put it, I might be tempted to tell you that it sounds to me like you are getting your information from Nazi and eugenic studies... which are not the most reliable founts of knowledge in this world.
Though I respect your effort in standing up for your opinions AND be willing to have a LITERATE debate with others I must beg to disagree. Double-standards are wrong; I would most certainly NOT respect you were you a "Go VeGgAns AnD BlAcKs We ArE tEh SqUeE!!11! DiE eViL wHiTiEs!!1!" typing child who held the same opinions that I do.
Lordbrad:
Why is it when a white commits a hate crime, it's all over the news, but when a black commits a hate crime, it's never mentioned?
Sadly the media has proven to be less than an adequate source of getting one's opinion regarding any serious issues. The media enlarges, the media exaggerates, the media sensationalizes. The fact is, it is as probable that you will see a white hate crime "all over the news" as it is that you will see a stereotypical rendering of the "bad, rapper black" mugging someone. It's just different approaches of creating the same wrong and hateful images over two racial groups.
I will however qoute redjackcash from a journalfen.net community:
"If a black man kills a white man, I can guarantee you he will get twice the sentence of a white man who killed a black man. He will probably be arrested faster, and his trial will most likely be hurried along. He is also more likely to get the death sentence."
Think also of how the vast majority of the death row inmates in Texas, California and Florida (which have the highest rate in executions) belong into minorities.
Lordbrad:
Why should we be forced to learn foreign languages in our own country? Is this right, considering our ancestors emigrated here and learned the language, culture and way of life?
ONE, the original European settlers of the Americas did in fact NOT learn the language, culture or way of life of the native people in this continent. Mostly they exterminated or persecuted the original inhabitants then comfortably settled in stolen lands.
TWO, I do not agree with the bilingual school system I think if you are an inmigrant you should make an effort (and be aided in the effort) of learning the language, costume and way of life of your new country. Which does not mean you should forget your own. What the US needs is not bilingual education, but better English-as-a-Second-Language programs. Adapting to a new country is difficult, but one should ADAPT to the country in question, not the contrary.
I am Mexican, the daughter of two college professors and researchers and have lived two years (not consecutive) in California. The first few months I spent in the US (when I was 8-years-old) the only thing I could say was "I-can't-speak-English-very-well". Needless to say I eventually, with much help and encouragement, learned. I am now alternately attempting (badly) to learn French, Latin or Romanian. Which brings me to the next point.
THREE. Learning another language, ANY different language, regardless of where you live should be welcomed as the essential educational experience that it is. As I have perceived from my time at American schools you can actually decided which language you would rather take from a limited list of options. You might as well ask why you are FORCED to learn math, or science or history (after all, all that is really [I]over[/I] isn’t it?). A second or third or fourth language isn’t about immigrants taking over, it’s about the knowledge.
And if any teacher would tell you differently then they are being very stupid.
Lordbrad:
Why should we feel guilty about owning slaves, the holocaust and much more, when we weren't even alive during such periods of history? Is it right that we're constantly reminded of such things?
Studying history and acknowledging history isn’t about feeling guilty over it. It’s about understanding why and how it happened. I would resent it if someone tried to make me feel guilty about what happened on the Alamo. I would resent it if someone were to hold me accountable for the “Cristero Guerrillas” in my country simply for the fact that I am an atheist. BUT I will hold myself accountable for [I]knowing[/I] not only about these events but about the concentration camps, the massacre of Nanjing and the unfair and humiliating conditions in the Treaty of Versailles for the nation of Germany at the end of World War I.
Lordbrad:
Why does the truth have to be subverted to appease minorities as not to offend them? Aren't the facts what they imply, facts? Nobody has a problem pointing out that whites owned slaves.
I don’t really understand what you are talking about here. Please do refer to specific instances so I can decide whether I agree or disagree.
Lordbrad:
Why does television have a Spanish entertainment channel, a black entertainment channel, and womens' entertainment channels, but not one channel dedicated to the vast history of the white race and it's cultures and heritages?
WHICH white race? The Anglo-Saxons? The Germanics? The Slavs? The Celts? The “white race” of America is composed of all those and many more, and I do think there are enough channels, events and web pages celebrating each and everyone of those races.
Lordbrad:
Why do we have to sacrifice our civil liberties in the name of "Homeland Security", yet our borders are wide open for any terrorist to walk across? Is this right?
As far as the terrorist threat goes, it is a whole other discussion I am not willing to embark at the moment. The fact is that with all the security and “war on terror” one might want to uphold, someone who wishes to hurt you will ALWAYS find a way to do it, depending on how bad they do want to hurt you. If you wish to stop putting your citizens (whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians and all the rest) in danger, avoid inciting the resentment and hatred of those who will stop at nothing to cause harm.
One does not treat the symptoms, one treats the disease.
LordBrad:
Why are illegal immigrants offered social services at the expense of tax payers when they're not citizens? Is this fair to American citizens?.
I did a whole project on that one. Please do realize that eventually illegal immigrants are as tax payers as well. The goods they buy and send off or keep are still subjected to tax. Not only that but due to their illegal status they are in the majority of the cases, not actually receiving all social security benefits.
Just as a closing remark…
You do not FORCE races to get along. The best you can do is help them do so and be mature about it. Eventually they will come along (please do take a look at your so called “white race” made up of so many different nationalities and ethnicities).
Mixing races is actually beneficial for humanity’s genepool. It strengthens us against disease. Inbreeding DOESN’T, do pay attention in your biology class the next time.
Double-standards regarding not only racism but most social issues are an unchecked evil. The fact that persons of colour are entitled to use "nigger" to address each other, that if I call another girl "slut" you know it's ok because I am a girl too or that stereotyping by the guidelines of race, religion, sexuality or nationality can sometimes be taken lightly is simply WRONG.
If I look at your SS banner I will not immediately assume (and act upon the assumption) that you like Nazis, are descended from Nazis, spew Nazi ideals and would generally shoot me if I even began pronouncing the word "Adonai". However, if you choose to speak to me about issues of racial "purity" as you so eloquently put it, I might be tempted to tell you that it sounds to me like you are getting your information from Nazi and eugenic studies... which are not the most reliable founts of knowledge in this world.
Though I respect your effort in standing up for your opinions AND be willing to have a LITERATE debate with others I must beg to disagree. Double-standards are wrong; I would most certainly NOT respect you were you a "Go VeGgAns AnD BlAcKs We ArE tEh SqUeE!!11! DiE eViL wHiTiEs!!1!" typing child who held the same opinions that I do.
Lordbrad:
Why is it when a white commits a hate crime, it's all over the news, but when a black commits a hate crime, it's never mentioned?
Sadly the media has proven to be less than an adequate source of getting one's opinion regarding any serious issues. The media enlarges, the media exaggerates, the media sensationalizes. The fact is, it is as probable that you will see a white hate crime "all over the news" as it is that you will see a stereotypical rendering of the "bad, rapper black" mugging someone. It's just different approaches of creating the same wrong and hateful images over two racial groups.
I will however qoute redjackcash from a journalfen.net community:
"If a black man kills a white man, I can guarantee you he will get twice the sentence of a white man who killed a black man. He will probably be arrested faster, and his trial will most likely be hurried along. He is also more likely to get the death sentence."
Think also of how the vast majority of the death row inmates in Texas, California and Florida (which have the highest rate in executions) belong into minorities.
Lordbrad:
Why should we be forced to learn foreign languages in our own country? Is this right, considering our ancestors emigrated here and learned the language, culture and way of life?
ONE, the original European settlers of the Americas did in fact NOT learn the language, culture or way of life of the native people in this continent. Mostly they exterminated or persecuted the original inhabitants then comfortably settled in stolen lands.
TWO, I do not agree with the bilingual school system I think if you are an inmigrant you should make an effort (and be aided in the effort) of learning the language, costume and way of life of your new country. Which does not mean you should forget your own. What the US needs is not bilingual education, but better English-as-a-Second-Language programs. Adapting to a new country is difficult, but one should ADAPT to the country in question, not the contrary.
I am Mexican, the daughter of two college professors and researchers and have lived two years (not consecutive) in California. The first few months I spent in the US (when I was 8-years-old) the only thing I could say was "I-can't-speak-English-very-well". Needless to say I eventually, with much help and encouragement, learned. I am now alternately attempting (badly) to learn French, Latin or Romanian. Which brings me to the next point.
THREE. Learning another language, ANY different language, regardless of where you live should be welcomed as the essential educational experience that it is. As I have perceived from my time at American schools you can actually decided which language you would rather take from a limited list of options. You might as well ask why you are FORCED to learn math, or science or history (after all, all that is really [I]over[/I] isn’t it?). A second or third or fourth language isn’t about immigrants taking over, it’s about the knowledge.
And if any teacher would tell you differently then they are being very stupid.
Lordbrad:
Why should we feel guilty about owning slaves, the holocaust and much more, when we weren't even alive during such periods of history? Is it right that we're constantly reminded of such things?
Studying history and acknowledging history isn’t about feeling guilty over it. It’s about understanding why and how it happened. I would resent it if someone tried to make me feel guilty about what happened on the Alamo. I would resent it if someone were to hold me accountable for the “Cristero Guerrillas” in my country simply for the fact that I am an atheist. BUT I will hold myself accountable for [I]knowing[/I] not only about these events but about the concentration camps, the massacre of Nanjing and the unfair and humiliating conditions in the Treaty of Versailles for the nation of Germany at the end of World War I.
Lordbrad:
Why does the truth have to be subverted to appease minorities as not to offend them? Aren't the facts what they imply, facts? Nobody has a problem pointing out that whites owned slaves.
I don’t really understand what you are talking about here. Please do refer to specific instances so I can decide whether I agree or disagree.
Lordbrad:
Why does television have a Spanish entertainment channel, a black entertainment channel, and womens' entertainment channels, but not one channel dedicated to the vast history of the white race and it's cultures and heritages?
WHICH white race? The Anglo-Saxons? The Germanics? The Slavs? The Celts? The “white race” of America is composed of all those and many more, and I do think there are enough channels, events and web pages celebrating each and everyone of those races.
Lordbrad:
Why do we have to sacrifice our civil liberties in the name of "Homeland Security", yet our borders are wide open for any terrorist to walk across? Is this right?
As far as the terrorist threat goes, it is a whole other discussion I am not willing to embark at the moment. The fact is that with all the security and “war on terror” one might want to uphold, someone who wishes to hurt you will ALWAYS find a way to do it, depending on how bad they do want to hurt you. If you wish to stop putting your citizens (whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians and all the rest) in danger, avoid inciting the resentment and hatred of those who will stop at nothing to cause harm.
One does not treat the symptoms, one treats the disease.
LordBrad:
Why are illegal immigrants offered social services at the expense of tax payers when they're not citizens? Is this fair to American citizens?.
I did a whole project on that one. Please do realize that eventually illegal immigrants are as tax payers as well. The goods they buy and send off or keep are still subjected to tax. Not only that but due to their illegal status they are in the majority of the cases, not actually receiving all social security benefits.
Just as a closing remark…
You do not FORCE races to get along. The best you can do is help them do so and be mature about it. Eventually they will come along (please do take a look at your so called “white race” made up of so many different nationalities and ethnicities).
Mixing races is actually beneficial for humanity’s genepool. It strengthens us against disease. Inbreeding DOESN’T, do pay attention in your biology class the next time.
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