During my early twenties I thought I would be terminally single my whole life. I listened to love songs, determined not to feel left out, and I felt they were a dialogue between myself and all the other parts of me. I sang and tried to convice me to love me.
It never quite worked out.
I've recently discovered The Weekend and love just leaving him on the background while I go about my life. And quite suddenly, out of nowhere I found myself nearly crying because "Love Me Harder" came on.
I've been obssessed with that song for some time, finding in it more than just a family-friendly susbtitute to saying a cruder "fuck me harder". I've been thinking of all the people I would just like to grab and say that to, "I need you to love me harder", I need you to love me better, because the way you're loving me sucks... I've been thinking about all the people who would probably want to say that to me, the people I've failed, the people I didn't love like they needed me to love them...
Sometimes it's been a combination of my fuckups and theirs, sometimes it's been all me. I've hurt others, and I've meant to sometimes, and haven't cared at others... I guess I'm sorry about those, though it seems a little empty to apologize for things you've done and can't seem to find a way around. It's easier to accept mistakes done in error, unconsciously, by neglect or simple carelessness. I gained nothing from those mistakes, I wouldn't be letting go of anything wonderful if I said I regret them.
It's harder to repent sins that gave you growth or freedom or even just simple pleasure. It's harder to say I'm sorry for biting into sweetness and pleasure, for trying to be happy and unburdened.
I get the feeling that what I need to do most of all, is letting go of my own idea of myself as a good person. But somehow that seems deeply tied to gain as well. Because all my life I've been told I don't deserve love or kindness UNLESS I am good: a good daughter, a good friend, a good student, a good person...
A good girlfriend.
Perhaps these last years have been about that, not being good for someone ELSE, since I can't seem to find someone who is good FOR ME. I've had good times, good friends, good fucks, good loves. But there's been so much caring to do, so much to pour in, that sometimes it feels that it pours out of me directly...
Being alone at the moment, working towards the things I want, knowing who I am when I am patently NOT GOOD to anyone but myself... maybe I AM loving myself harder.
I want to think I do.