Thursday, July 31, 2003

I sit in front of the screen, gazing at it, deciding whether I'll cry or I won't.
For all the work I've done these lasts days I receive no feedback. Sometimes I feel I should just quit all the RPGs and start working on my own things once more, at least I don't expect feedback from those. An odd sort of despair has settled within me and I don't think I'll be able to uproot it. I thought all this time would bring a lot more satisfaction, I hoped I would be able to work on all those things I wanted to. All I've done is rubbish, nothing important, nothing worthwhile and I'm so tired.
Finished EoW chapter today and I haven't started with the new CoR one yet. I want to work on my webpage but I need my scanner to do so. And my books. And I'm just so damn tired.
Therapy back up and it was a nice session, made me feel better and a little less bitter about things.
Doing the Celia sketch for Joel.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Mystic's Dream
There is a powerful desire in me to create, to draw and to write, to inspire others to do the same. I don't know if I'm good enough to do it, I keep comparing myself to Barbara and I am lacking. I do not move others to write as she does, only with her work, I must push them to do so. Everyone tells me what a good writer I am and yet I am not able to create that rapture. I am not able to draw tears like Toffee or to bring discomfort like Millie. I do not draw responses. I am sick, sick of myself and my lack of will. I should be doing the chapter for EoW right now, I suppose Barbara would have already done some six pages and finished the whole damn affair. I've done one and half, almost two, and I still don't have all that I want.
I want to go on with my web page but I keep delaying the graphics. I need my books and a lot more things to keep going, amongst them inspiration. There are so many things I want to write, so many things I want to draw. I am just too lazy.
Went to the visa interview today, was missing a form or something and I couldn't get my visa. Mother was ver sick due to all the anxiety today. I'm a bit sick myself and I want to get this damn chapter over with.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Made a very good drawing of her on notebook paper... it always happens but I'm still proud of it. I'll try some more later...
Finished the Ghenna Opened chapter and did half a page for End of Worlds. I've been resentful and tired and still biting to my mother. I am disillussioned with CoR, I don't knwo what to do now Mordaunt is dead... and so many people are leaving and there are just too many hard feelings in there, the pace is too hard for me and I think I'm going to crack. I'll just take a vacation for some weeks over at Santa Cruz and perhaps I'll feel better.
This mornign I wanted to lay in the sunlight, curled up like a kitten letting the warmth creeo slowly over my skin, I wanted to work and to create and I wanted someone besides me.
Adrian and Javier weren't in today and I wanted them to see my chapter. Mother took me to the Visa picture and tomorrow we are going to the interview. I have to get up at five am and I must get some sleep. I'll just answer mail and lay down. I worked today or so I hope...
Wrote this some hours ago while I was trying to doze off.

I'm lying on my bed sobbing. Rain splatters the windows the way I like it to. Rain soothes me, it lulls me to sleep. Just a few minutes ago I was crying uncontrolably. I didn't know if anyone would come, but I knew I didn't want it to be my mother. And yet, not for the first time, I just wanted to be held as I layed curled up in a ball on my tidy bed with the books besides me.
I don't know where the rage and the sorrow came from just now, it feels good to know pain such as this. I wish someone would be here tonight. Because I don't want to stay awake with myself and I know that if I slip into the covers and turn the lights off I'll do just that. I'll lay awake and find more reasons to cry about.
I want to do something now.
To create something.
I don't want to sit still.
My throat feels parched and I'm scared.
Of what?
Rain hums its silent song and I feel like I can forget this moment as if it'd never happened. I'll get lip balm and some water, I'll open Interview and read a little till my mother is asleep again. Then I'll log back on my computer and I'll work.
This won't have happened then.
Except for the fact that these words will smile at me from the screen as I type them.

Finished editing Dariusz/Syria conv thanks God...

Monday, July 28, 2003

And I will think no more
I has been more than a long time since I wrote here, and it's just a reflection of how wrong everything is going and then right and back to horrible and how scared I am. How furious I am with everyone and everything I do... how bitter. I just keep feeling unappriciated, by my mother and my friends. I keep telling myself to understand what they are going through, but the fact is only Millie ever tries to understand what I go through. My mother tells me to live with it, my friends ignore it...
Or maybe it's only the fact that I realize how much I'll miss them, how lonely I'll be when I get to Santa Cruz, how far I have fallen. I, the wretched spoiled child. I am selfish and I am revolting and I know it, but it's just infinately easier to let it all be, to keep writing and forget how much I can hate everything. I can't stand being me, being shut up with myself and my family.
Mother kept taking the computer some two weeks before this. I know she needed it. Her business is always more importtant than mine because she works... I live for my writing, it's one of the few pleasures I have left now and she denies it's importance for me. she thinks I can have ten minutes to write in my blog and that'll be enough. That I can do it all as if it were nothing. I feel furious at having left this place alone for so long, but I had to go to say goodbye to my Grandmother, which I understand, she'll miss us much more than I'll miss my friends probably.
It's so sickening to see how fast I'm forgotten. I work hard to write, I sit down and try to cheer my friends, I just stay quiet doing parties but it's not enough. It'll never be enough. I'm just not good enough for any of them. I love them so much I wish I had the will to do more. I wish I would have the courage to end my life, but I haven't done anything of worth yet... and I hate leaving unfinished business...
I miss D so much I feel I just might drop sick of it. I miss his touch. I miss his eyes. I miss his love.
I went to my cousin's wedding and my nephew's baptism. How fast you are dismissed when you grow up... noen of my cousins are near my age, but when I was younger they put up with me like they put up with my nephew's and nieces now... I just wonder what'll happen to them when they too grow older...
I'm miserable...

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Just another corny song
Adrian is depressed. I can't help but remember when I was like that too. I shouldn't judge him so hard now, he deserves sympathy from everyone, someone who is going through that deserves all the sumpathy in the world. When it happened to me I was just too afraid to tell anybody because they didn't seem to give a damn, I still feel like that soemtimes. As if the sympathy and pitious glances everyone gives you are worth nothing because you are making them do it. If they really cared they would have noticed by themselves and would give you the love you needed becuase they wanted to, not because they feel they must.
But Adrian is under no such a pretense. So he shows it, he needs not hide it. And as always the world misunderstands and judges and that is unfair. I know it's hard, I know we all have our troubles. But depression is something serious. I had suicidal thoughts, sometimes I wish I had carried them out just to show people what can happen when you are ignored or misjudged.
It's unfair to suffer like that. I told Javier and I'll repeat it till the day I die. Agony is real that is agony, and no one should suffer it. That I find completition through my pain is nothing. I am who I am and very few people feel that way. I'm glad Adrian is saying things, I'm glad he's being nasty and hateful from time to time. He deserves the right to be like that. The world slaps us around and we must be nice to everyone. What are our friends for if not to understand? I don't mean he do it everyday. But I don't want him to keep it in so much it explodes into self-destructive tears and anguish when it finally finds its way out.
I don't want that for anyone.
Late Twilight
Two days without appearing here. I hate it when it happens. I have no excuse
Inevitably detained yesterday. It was my mother's birthday and I had to stay home with her to see a movie. It wasn't half that bad, we rented Gangs of New York and I was tired so an evening at home would have soothed me. Of course I was resentful then, I wanted to go out with Adrian one last time before he went to Veracruz. My mother had been sick for the whole week, so in the end it was quite understandable that she didn't want to go to pick me up anywhere. She just wanted rest.
Well rest she did. We couldn't watch the movie together because she phoned my aunt from 5 pm to 8 pm and then one of her friends from 8 pm to 4 pm. I stayed awake hoping she would let me in to write my blog at least and watched the movie alone. I was furious with her, she had made me stay so we could be together, and she couldn't hang her goddamn phone to give me five minutes! And Friday she was convinced it had been her right and that I couldn't aske her to be perfect. But she can ask me to be perfect. I am not allowed to make mistakes because I'm younger and foolish and my mistakes are too horrible.
Nothing of interest in the morning, just the rushed preparation for Friday's nude session.
Friday I woke tired becuase of my mom's chattering the night before. She hogged the shower and I ran late for the guests who would be arriving. Fortunately I was decent by the time they got here, since they were late. They stayed to long and I only had ten minutes of tolerance for arriving to class on time because of the model. Fortunately we made it despite the troubles. And it was quite a wonderful lesson. The model was a very nice lady who had an excellent temperamente and really enjoyed posing for us. I was left with a desire to do the male figure too. So I think I'll have to get to another class such as this. On Monday we're having our last session.
All these classes have given me practice and I was able to copy the Luna I had done in a small sketch in a large version so that I can watercolour later. I don't want to loose practice so I think I must have to keep on drawing. I finished colouring the Elaine/Liam drawing I had promised Rick. I'm very happr with the results I must say. and Spike did a beautiful Nora for me! I'm so happy! I have so many beautiful pictures of her, most of them gifts.
Well today in the morning I must get up for a swimming party with Dad. Had to get waxed. Horrid. Why don't men do it too?

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Lonely and hateful
I was ina very good mood till I got into my mother's car today. I rather be alone wandering through this soulless city than at my beautiful house with my, oh, so righteous mother. Re-reading Decay and Messiah again. I want Eblis or Judas to come sweep me off my feet. To death, to love, to damnation. I don't care. I don't want the stress and the problems of a tripto which I am being dragged, but I'll endure them... and they want me to be happy about it.
Well I know I'm just in a bad mood yet again. Angry because I made Adrian feel ignored yet again. I suppose it is my fault in one way or another, so I'm not rambling about unfairness and all that crap. I was angry and I didn't want to insult him, but I always do so when this happens. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to break my promises. I don't want to go away...
I want to walk through grey anonymous streets, free of all considerations, I want to forget myself in a series of movements and steps like Dora does, I want to loose conscience holding unto the pencil as I sketch life away, I want the prismatic innocence of a careless amateur note, I want the my voice into written words, whether on a neon screen or on yet another incosequent piece of paper.
I want to be with my friends and not feel that they are repulsed by me.
We did feet at art classes. Dora did me the favour of posing for my sketches. she attended the flamenco class with me too and she says she'll be staying.
Tomorrow is mother's birthday and I can't go out.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Little Miss
Little miss miss, she's had some troubles
She gonna sort it out early in the morning

Adrian lent me his BOA CD. It's very good. We went to his house today, after the mornign drawing classes. Today was a very pleasant day.
We did the craneum and the muscles, and we had fun making up a character to draw him. I want to Adrian's house with Lorena and Andrea. We had fun, listening to records, watching movies, reading the Fifth Book...
I don't know why. I just can't understand it. Why the sudden tears again. Why? Damn it why? I've been so happy, so cheerfully deceived and oblivious to it all. I don't want to remember the hate, or the revulsion. I don't want to doubt myself. I don't want to cry with no reason anymore, except for a sad song. I don't want to know how pathetic I am.
Am I this horrible? How come D liked me? How is it that all other men are repelled by me?
Damn him. Damn him for leaving me. Damn him for every uncertainty.
No one can love my women characters, they are as damned as I am.
I suppose I should use the sudden burst of pain to write some more Astatos.
It would do me good.
It should.
I can't write Elaine. She's not mine anymore. She is not in my control.

Monday, July 07, 2003

My Immortal
It's funny how some people find it disturbing or uncomfortable when I suddenly burst out singing. I'm not to good at it I must admit, but still. Waiting for Cristal to arrive I sang most of the Evanescence songs I like. Some of the little girls from the basic jazz giggled about it I think. The flamenco couple stared at me politely confounded. It was fun. I'm getting better at flamenco and I'm feeling oddly pleased about it. Got the jazz CDs along with the sevillanas and now I have to burn them for Wednesday. Glad Patricia might be breaking up with her boyfriend. I know I shouldn't be as I won't even have a chance thanks to my going to Santa Cruz. But oh well.
Well, I had one hour of painting lesson to get to jazz on time. The lesson started later because the teacher had to go to an exam during the normal time. We did hands today, and it turned out to be quite simple. I just need practice, but the method is easy. And I got to read some of the Fifth Book. Rowling Sue is not so bad I think.
Will be writing some Saeleno for Millie now. Have to sleep early as am going out with friends tomorrow.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Beyond Time
Nothing much done today, woke up realatively early, had relative fun, was relatively lucky... nothing much really. I have money which is good, but I'm bored to hell. Went out with my father and his girlfriend and had meat to eat. Saw my cousins who were moderately entertaining. Dad was nice and gave me this month's check and the money for my Fifth Book; something tells me I won't be buying it. I'll keep the money instead. I need to save some of it for Santa Cruz.
Well, started over with Couds over Styx and did generaly nothing.
Pathetic... hahaha.
Now I want the White Stripes new CD.

Saturday, July 05, 2003

Waiting for You
Nothing done today, senseless prattling with the msn people, nothing more. Got up at twelve knowing I was too tired for anything. It was strange since I had gone to sleep yesterday relativley early... well at least comparing it to the rest of the week. But since I knew I could relaz today, that I had nothing to do, that my mother had hogged the telephone at noon even when she knew my father would call, that I wasn't to blame... well I suppose all the exhaustion from the other days caught up with me. I had to tell dad that I was too tired to go with him, so we'll be going out tomorrow. Even mom didn't go to her belly dance class, then she tells me I shouldn't sleep till late, that I should socialize. I suppose she wanted me to go out, but I had gone out yesterday. I don't suppose she thought of that.
Well, I've been reading the Yama no Matsuei books and meeting some new people. Really today was not exactly my day for work. I'll see if I can do something right now, maybe read some of the EoW things I still have to read and then I'll go to sleep. I'll just get back on the msn to see if I can do a StS Relived scene with Millie.

Friday, July 04, 2003

My Imaginary
Thursday must have been quite an unimportant day for me to forget it like that... but it wasn't, it had to do with my going away. I suppose I should want to forget something like that. I remember I went to sleep late, I suppose I had to wake early because I remember sleeping late into the afternoon. We did profiles in drawing lessons and the austrian lady wasn't in, but Adrian and I saw her with a young man of equisite european features; he wore a dark classic suite and had short blonde hair of the type that appears white sometimes. He even had the glasses which made him look like a perfect model for Rodion I remember. I stayed up with Millie looking for Syria models on Wednesday, that is why I went to sleep at five o'clock in the morning and I had to wake up early because my mother was going to her therapist and she didn't fancy me going to class on a taxi, so I arrived early to class and fell asleep on the tables till everyone arrived and even then I was pretty much asleep when the teacher gave the explanations, I'll need to ask him again for them.
I stayed up all night talking to Spike, I hadn't talked to him in a long time. I also uploaded all my Ghenna Opened profiles and the photos.
Today I woke up even earlier to get to the reports. More bad news on Santa Cruz and I don't even want to remember my reports and my History note. I am too ashamed, and I keep thinking of the high notes I'll need to get my year accepted here. My mother was so disappointed, I hate disappointing her and I don't even have an excuse.
Got to Coyoacan where I read and ate enormouse quantities of ice-cream to calm my nerves while I waited for my mother to finish breakfast with her friends. Then she drove me to my class which was fairly good. Still doing faces, three-quarters and rotating them. Our Austrian lady told me her companion was the one in charge of the Austria embassy here, she said she'll get me a picture of him.
In the evening we went to Perisur and I hated it. I love being with my friends, and I hadn't seen Lorena for a long time, yet I must admit that I was hartily bored. So uch in fact that I managed to finished Caro's drawing during our time there... but I'm not too pleased with the end result. I want something more of my weekly sightings than the usual mall. I don't know what I want, but I want something, something new...
Well, I suppose that's all for now...

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe

Funny, how some truly commercial items can actually strike on the mark once in a while. We did the plíes today in jazz, we almost always do them with that song and it's somehow appropriate. To see Dora with her closed eyes and the complete detatchment with her surroundings, to see her make beauty in each move, freed at last from her own earthly fears. I love that, I wish I could do that. We are all so anxious to be loved, to be understood. When I was young I thought I had to be stunningly beautiful to be loved. On a subcouncius level I believe I still feel that way. It hurts, knowing your place in the world... the pretty people go with the pretty people. I wonder if that si why D left me... no I really don't. I just don't understand it, and I'm in pain. I miss him.
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down

I think of all the things I don't have, so many years before I actually do something of consequence with my life, all the obstacules laying in my way, all the people who have better things to worry about, not some stupid game, real things. I want to do something, I don't want to be dragged to Santa Cruz like a child. I want something unique and special for myself, I don't want to just fill the expectations... and I'm afraid I don't have the mettle to be what I really want. I am not worth anybody's time and I can't be mature enough to take my chances with the next trip... I don't deserve my friends or anything... it's been so long since I felt this...
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down

I got up late today since I had fallen asleep at six in the mornign yesterday. Still I managed to get to drawing class on time (we're starting with faces and I'm feeling much more pleased with the teacher now) and buy the pen I needed on the way to my Dance Academy. Jazz and flamenco are always fullfilling. They make me feel better.
Lorena would say she does so much more... funny... I don't care...
And everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
The empty hours of Greed
What a tiring day, not an instant free from teh horrible headache a night without sleep gives you. And here I am doing it yet again. I shall have to go to sleep presently.
The fact is, I had to get up much more early than I intended to. My mother had booked an appointment with my school's headmaster to discuss the academic aspects of my trip to Santa Cruz. That was bad enough for a start. Downy's insistent tries at cheering me up were even more nerve wrecking. The fact is, revalidating my school year is going to eb much harder than I imagined. It seems unfair to go through all of this when I don't even want to go to Santa Cruz. The difficulties would be much more manageable if I was leaving for some place I wanted.
I know I should be thankful for this chance, it's something good, something that not everyone has a chance to experience and that we will be fine once we get there. But it still doesn't mean I like the idea. I don't like aggriavating my mother about it, after all she ahs worked hard enough already. I didn't mean to look so furious about the whole affair, but I'm like that. I can control it. I just show things.
Well, the drawing classes are proceeding and I'm making new friends. Talked to Andrea a bit before the teacher arrived and I met a new girl named Marisol. I would like to go out and do something with them... with Adrian. We were looking at the noticeboard just to check the japanese cinema and we found somethings we would like to see with other friends. I think it will eb worth it if I can go out to something that is not the movies. I am gathering all my courage and resources to ask Paty to come with me to some dancing exhibition.
Even if she's not for me... I want her friendship... at least.
Well the teacher was a bit disappointing and we got stopped by the police before I could get to my therapist today. My last session. Free Tuesdays from now on. He promised to take my picture when he came back; he is quite the photographer.
Answering mail, reading Mhimory at last (loved it) and getting some work done with the Word and Photoshop. I need more time to write.