A few hours to go
I don't want to go back. I am scared. i dont want to go back.

10/01/2004
I've had trouble sleeping these last days. Not from lack of trying or the computer or any new books. i have too much in my mind, too much that is not going the way it should. My homework, the electricity-receipt, dad, school, going back to Santa Cruz. Responsabilites, things that keep praying upon me when I close my eyes.
I'm tired of things I should be doing, of the aimlessness, the lack of purpose. I'm tired of waiting for the time and energy to work. I'm tired of leaving things half done, of starting and never finishing. I am tired of getting nowhere and of reminding myself I should be doing this or that.
Everything bores me but writing. Everything. Maybe I should get rid of my chat programme or my other stuff. Maybe I should forget and start working on school stuff.
I feel this horrible anguish about going to Santa Cruz. I feel like crying or something.
I'd rather be here though, than with my dad. I'd rather be here than with my grandma. It makes me feel horrid, it troubles my concience, but I keep feeling how soon I must leave, all that is left undone, all that I still must face.
I'm afraid of loosing the year, of having done everyhting sloppily (which I did). I am very afraid.

From Andy's
Writing directly from Adny's computer, half-asleep, feeling tired and very worried about homework. Everyone's at school, making me feel extremely slothful. At least we woke up relatively early which is good. I am feeling as if I should be back home WORKING on something. I also didn't pay the electrical receipt which I should have. But I went out.
Going out is good, very good.
And I give up. I can't write.

Panic Attack
Suddenly, strangely and horridly don't want to go back to Santa Cruz. It's the apporaching date of departure and the remainder of school stuff I have still not finished. Feeling slothful and aimless again, which is never a good sign. It's obviously got to do with yesterday since last night had the exact same doubtful proding thoughts.
Times like these are when my mind goes wandering to Knossos again and when shall I actually start working on it. I have always prided myself in teh fact that I rise above the trivial and common, that somethings are not important to me because I have others. Well I have nothing at the moment and it's a chilling thought.
Joel was a nice virtual backbone which had to be removed for the sake of my sanity and his, but it hurt more than I thought it would.
I have the need to do things. I know I should be sleeping because I want to go out tomorrow and do things. I have to pay the electricity tomorrow and I suppose I should take advantage and go around Coyoacan looking for presents or just getting out. I need to get out and do something or I'll drive myself insane long before seven in the afternoon. Should probably call Andy and arrange something, anything.
I hate feeling this way but it is bound to pass. Soon, I just need to be patient.

Here
Calmer. Scared but happier. Glad I did what I did. Went out, got everything out of my system and am in a good mood in general. At least a lot better than this morning.
I went to the movies with friends and even though I did not watch Return of the King I had a good time. I met Sirio which is quite wonderful.
I don't know what more to say. I'm not giving up this fight which I won't make any clearer lest I hurt. I won't give up. Not this time.
Thank you Mei darling for going out with me on Saturday. I had the grandest time ever and will love you forever.

I want to say I'm sorry. I want to be a coward. I want it to be over.

There isn't going to be another chance you hear me? Get it into your head before I have to drag you with me. You fucked this one up, and the worst is knowing that you had to. Grow up and finding something else. Grow up and leave with it.
Grow up because he's still your friend and you still love him. Grow fucking up.

Just like Heaven

Hey hey fuck the world and all it has. Am I not the most selfish girl in th planet? am I not the rodent of fucking foolishness? Hey hey am I not the queen of all that makes pain? I'm fucked up. Too fucked up to even think about it. Jesus Christ.
I'm so fucking happy for you Joel. I honestly fucking am. And it's been so long since I had your love for free it was bound to hurt like this, nothing to what it hurt for you. It's good, it's like talking an poisoned arrow out, it's like starting again.
And I lost what I had which I didn't have in the first place. And I am what I am, what I have always been.
I hate myself today.
For needing it. For needing the slving, but fuck everything it's all going to be better now.
That I needed MILLIE to tell me for it to become real, for it to become a need for it to be what was needed to do.

FUUUUUUUUCK!

I'm not even making sense to myself. I just want to say it. I want to be done with the pain. It didn't fucking hurt this way when D left. It didn't. Damn mysel. DAMN.

What am I? What am I that this is the only honest love I can get? Am I so horrid, so selfish, so fucking messed uo that I needed him tied to me. Well cut the chords and storm the gates. Let me fall and die and bleed. I won't do this. I don't want to be this monster.
It wasn't real, not through the net. There was nothing in it to become real. There was never a chance for us meeting each other, even though I'm well goddamn keeping trying to get those fucking tickets. Now more than ever.

I'm so fucking glad for you Joel. I am. You need your freedom more than I ever knew a person needed it.
It's going to hurt like hell when you get a girlfriend. It's going to hurt like all hell when I read that you love her. It's going to be madness.
But it HAS to be this way. I did it to you. There is no forgiveness in the world for all the things I have done.
Fuck everything. I am damned.

28/12/2003
He said you don't love Joel.
He should have said I don't love him enough. Like Nath, like all those who have ever loved me. What do I need of someone? To be turned away? Why does adoration make me into such a selfish pig?
I am a thing of struggle.
I am not obssessed with Joel? Is that what I'm lacking to call it love?
He is my friend and I love him. Should I hide behind my truths, that I've told him since D that I cannot love him like he loves me? I could pretend I love, I could make believe, I could build a romance to shelter us from the cold eyes of reality.
I could feel my need with him.
But I don't want to lie to Joel, I don't have the stamina to keep up the lie. He doesn't deserve such a lie.
What frightens me most, what makes me push and try the relation again and again, is the thought that he is pretending. That he doesn't know, that he wants it so much, that he is framing me, making me into a dream reality could never match.
Do I justify? Explain? That is why I'm horrid sometimes, if he loves me let him love me truly, let him see all I am, everything. The good, the bad, the worst.
I want to be loved for my flaws and my virtues. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be known.
Joel are you reading this? I want to love you for who you are, I want to know you. You are my friend, faithful and true, you are this beautiful thing full of secret goodness. You overfill the world, you are blind in your trust and affection to others. How can I not love you my friend? How can I not kiss your blind eyes and want to crush you so that you may know me? That is the truth, you frighten me. I don't know what to do with all this goodness you pile upon my arms. I am lost and trembling and lashing back because it all seems so frightening.
And you are so far away. What will i do when we meet? What does the future hold?
Do I play with you? Do I hurt you? Am I so shamelessly loving one day and distant the other? I'm sorry.
Ih the meantime, find a girl to kiss back home. Touch her for me and brush your lips to her forehead. Treat her well and enjoy her company. Don't be alone, my heart aches if you are alone. Find someone to love you. Don't be alone.
Sometimes I feel like we don't understand each other. Do I send you the books in an attempt to bridge the distance? There is not a moment in the conversation when I can cry "yes, that is exactly how I feel, come into my arms my brother". That is what happened with Andy and me, with Millie and me.
I don't think it was there with D. He made me happy with his easy way, with his careless touches and his arms that shivered with me inside.
I liked him.
Did I love him?
No, I don't think I did.

27/12/2003
It is easy to write nonsense.

I have a great desire for my Laura Ingalls books, to think of honest work in wild places.
I am tired of waiting and I want to sleep. I want tomorrow to arrive already. I want to wake up early and be productive.
My cold is better and I don't cough quite so much. I hope it's over by tomorrow.
I want new underwear and new shoes, a soft black turtleneck for the cold and my red sweater. I want to get a haircut and my face cleaning treatment and a full waxing. I want to loose weight.
I wish I could be pretty and interesting for Joel. It'd make me feel I deserve his admiration.
Half-heartedly, I wish.
I'm thinking of Lillian with a pearly-blue cloak, furlined. There is an owl-shaped clasping it to her throat. 'To remind her she is a lady worthy of respect'.

26/12/2003
It is selfish to think, there was never another like her, there will never be. It is selfish to hide at any mention of her name. It is selfish to hope that we will all carry the echo of her voice forever, to be glad that my nephew remembers she is among the stars. It is selfish to expect mourning.

The cold has me in an awful mood. I am tired of medicines and remedies and precautions. I've earned it but I'm tired of people acting as though I don't know I'm sick. I desperately need to make a move to cheerfullness again. I am here only a few more days and I do like being liked and not being complained over.

I dreamt of Desire last night. Desire and Delirium were lovers. There was a castle beneath the great sea and their drugged toys went there for sucrease. It was a great maw that held the mob grinding and gripping each other's bodies. Their eyes were sad, with a vague empty look that made it all terribly sordid. Dead eyes, like Millie says.
I saw one of them dive into the sea, as if it were a great transparent pool. I saw his life. Wasted, in the arms of a loved woman. He wanted to be better, tried, half-heartedly for her, until she grew tired and gave him up.
His eyes were crazed when he stalked her on a lonely road by the sea. He would have raped her and killed her because he needed her so. But she was stronger and threw him into the sea.
So there he dives now, to find the only pleasures that matter, thinking of what he lost.

I dreamt of Rice's vampires and markets of Byzancium. Dreamt of a servant faithful til death and a wicked ploy from the Carpathians. Mostly I dreamt of Armand, mixing my own Marius Johannsen in the act.

25/12/2003
Christmas is baaaaack. I am happy. I am content, I am in the best mood I've ever had here. It's hard to find reasons to be sullen these days. It's hard to find dislike for those around me.
No one finds a use or interest for me. I've estranged myself so much for this family. I have so little to talk of with them. I'm years behind them, I'm not married, I don't want to be, no children, no desire for them, my opinions are inconsequent, not even opposite, just distant. I can't hold my own against the verbal sparring (always without malice) of my elders.
As always I sit quiet and listen. I didn't resent it, the sense of alienation was ever so subtle, unlike the intensity of other times.
Is it because I belong? Because Christmas is right? Because above all else I love this date? Because on the danger of being thought dishonest or trivial or fashion like I shall always remember Christmas as the best of my family: we are thirty-two this year, we have always been together. Since I could remember, since any of my married cousins could remember, it has been this way. The same food, the same ritual, the same cheer and conversation, the same beloved people.
I am filled with love for them all.

Laughter fills me. I want to keep being helpful, I want to be liked, to be talked of with fondness. I want to keep acting this way through the rest of my visit, however short. I want to be good.
I find it's easier now without the inminent threat of CoR hanging over me like a job deadline. It is much easier, much more enjoyable to simply think of the journal as my only self-appointed responsability. Here I please only myself, the minister that judges sits only within, I owe nothing to anyone, I can give myself entirely to family. I can enjoy.

There are some things still hard to speak of, some things I dare not touch. My aunt is dead, my cousin was almost raped.
It's much simpler to hold your tongue.