Monday, June 30, 2003

Fear of Bliss
Tired and not feeling at all like my nice cheerful self. Today was not my day, and yet it was quite a day. The same things, waking up, taking some breakfast, thinking that my mother is right in whatever she has told me today, thinking of all the things I aught to have finished already. But now I'm tired, adn it feels good, just to be tired and say that I can't stay up much longer to write or draw or read. Today I did none of those things and yet I don't feel as if I wasted the time... not at all.
Today I met another Andrea, at the anatomic drawing class which didn't take place. The teacher didn't arrive and so we were told that we could go and that we would be given that class another day anyway. Andrea just stepped forward and invited me to come along with her.
It's so strange, how sweet that was, perhaps not at the instant but all the more when I think of it now. Not many people have that courage. She didn't know anything about me and yet she treated me like a long time friend and she wasn't in the least timid about her views and opinions. I think I could get to like someone, I think I just might want to like someone like that.
Her name is Patricia, or Paty for short, I asked her today at the beginning of the jazz lesson. She has a boyfriend. I suppose it was too much to hope for that she would be for me. She was way too beautiful and fun to be for me. The beautiful people always date the beautiful people. Last year that nearly killed me. I'm not beautiful. I wish I could be, but I'm not. I'm common looking at best and just plain ugly sometimes.
And yet I don't care anymore. I like myself. I love my eyes. Their soft warm brown with the black lines in the irises, they are mysterious and my one beloved pretty possession. I like myself.
Yet the bitterness remains.
My mother didn't come to pick me up from the art lessons because of the rain. I took a taxi and she was mad at me for not waiting for her, but otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to my dancing lesson. It's a matter of principles. I don't intend to be late or to skip those lessons anymore. It's on my dignity now.
Stupid really.
That was one of the things that made me mad today. The other one was simple envy. I want the Fifth book! It doesn't feel too important now though...
Long entry because of Barbara's blog. Strange.

Sunday, June 29, 2003

Three p.m. was my waking time today. It's getting worse. I'm glad tomorrow I'll be starting the drawing lessons.
Mother and I went to the movies today. As always she picked quite a fine one. sad though. It had to do with death. Unfair death and how to deal with it afterwards. Couldn't help thinking about Romi and Ale. I think that's why I cried so much in the movie.
Nothing interesting today. Nothing of consequence. I'm in stand-in till tomorrow.

Saturday, June 28, 2003

This is love
PJ Harvey shouting in my MusicMatch. I miss Diego, I think I'm just beginning to realize. I miss knowing I have someone waiting for me, someone who loves me back. I don't want to live in a world of make-believe and illusions again. I want the reality of his waist within my arms. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm hateful. I suppose PJ Harvey suits me now.
Went out with Adrian yesterday. It was about time. He's right, we need to see each other more. So we went to Coyoacan and I guided him all over the place. We walked and we laughed and we had quite a wonderful day. It's beautiful, that part of the city; I had almost forgotten how beautiful. It has almost a spaniard flavour to it, with its many street players and cafes. Adrian and I sat in one at the end of the day, dark velvety twilight with a guitar in the background. I loved it. I didn't think of Diego then.
I thought of him today though. I thought of him because there were so many things I wanted to share with him at my father's house. He went to dinner with us once. I miss that. I don't want to be hunting for love again like I did at night in the belly dance exhibition. It's always so disheartening.
But I had a good time. I loved the dancing. It's beautiful. It makes me love women all the more.
And on Monday I'll be starting anatomy drawing classes... so I suppose it could be worse.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

I cannot say I am in anguish, I cannot say I am outraged... I simply cannot say anything. I knew them, I admired them like the wonderful people they were. I had stop speaking to them for some time. Now I wish I hadn't.
Romi and her brother Alejandro are dead.
Not like the heroes they were, not in action saving lives, no. They crashed with some drunken fool. It's so ugly, it's so hideously wrong. They were eighteen. They were brave. They were so happy. Caro was so happy with them as her friends; it's wrong, it's not fair, it's not real. I keep thinking how impossible it all sounds, never another mail from Romi, never another chapter, never another sweet joke... never, for me or for Caro... How can something so beautiful begone like this? How could they leave Caro alone?
Things keep flashing in my head. Only three months since Carla's brother was dead. Last year we thought Lorena was going to die too. None of those have been real. I can't comprehend it. I can't embrace it.
I went to the ginecologist today. He gave me the Iron tablets I needed.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Tired inevitably
Back from dancing classes. I'm getting better, I suppose I'm proud. I feel much more comfortable in my clothes and I can do much of the steps better. Mother is right in the fact that I need to meet new people. Well, there is a girl at jazz, she's wonderful, she has a very sweet smile and offers it to me all the time. I've been trying to gather my courage to strike a conversation with her. It shouldn't be so difficult, but it is. and I don't even know her name.
Well, got up at three o'clock yet again. It's annoying. But I got some stuff done today, my profiles for Ghenna Opened and generally just wrote and... well I'm not in a mood to write, I just don't know what to say.
What a pathetic post. I need to get out more.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Well, mother stopped me from writting yesterday by hagging up the phone till three o'clock in the morning. Couldn't even sleep with all her chattering. It was good anyway, I got up at eleven today meaning I've had a better sleeping pattern today. Answering some mail and am off to bed.
Elaine was turned into a zombie so I have a vacation. Enough said.
Am taking a look at the wonderful posts at StS relived and they are not so large as I thought, so my heart rests. Will have to get something done for Gehenna Opening poor Ake.
Am rambling. I need to do so many things and I'm so in love with my dancing classes, I have skipped them only once now and I am proud. Tomorrow I'll get the CDs with the music and I'll copy them.
Went out to the therapist today. He lives in a beautiful avenue of stones. Today it was pouring beautifully. It is perhaps strange but I love walking through rainy streets, to me it's not depressing at all, it's like a celebration of life. Rain makes everything green, even the weeds and grass popping up from the cracked streets are a glory of emerald beauty. The tree trunks look almost black leaving a startling effect. I love the rain. I love walking and singing at the top of my voice as I do this. I had to walk from Ghandi to my therapist and I didn't take my motehr's umbrella. Rain is just to precious.
I lvoe night rain too, it lulls me to sleep. I hope it rains now.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

I am thinking that perhaps my mother is right and I should go out more. after all I find writing much easier after going out or before going out. I need to get a hang on my sleeping pattern so that I can use the mornings. It's the best. I also realized I don't care about this week's chapter. I just want to get it out of the way and finish it before it drives me insane, don't care whether Fox reads it on time or not. Anyways I am going to be ignored, so what does it matter? What I would really like to finish is the fics that I owe people, and I would like to go out to art classes.
Noemi is right, I love being myself and I wouldn't change it. I love the pain and the happiness and the anger. I love the sheer intensity of just being alive. I suppose that's why I don't care about a God or an afterlife, because life is too fullfilling for me. I want the experiences. "Rape me into the ashes I can take it" That is what writing is all about, expressing the way you see these experiences, the way they go through you and come out not in the least like anyone else's.
My mother and my therapist think it's adolescence. I don't like that idea, I don't want my reactions to be just part of a generality. I love myself and I want to be unique. I don't just want to fill a stereotype. I want this intensity forever. I want the happiness and the pain and the love to be by my side forever because they are what makes me who I am and what makes me do the things I do.
I stayed home today and I couldn't write that much so I'll give my mother credit for that. Going out does help me so I must get some sleep today. Tomorrow I'll wake up early and just write. She says I don't have to lean on just one person, and it makes sense. But well, I loved Andy all those years. I wouldn't change my time with her i know it. I want something like that, perhaps not so painful and heartrending, but I want the understanding.
I think I've managed it with Millie. My mother says it's not real. But it's the only thing I have.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

One more year
My friend Sebastian was eighteen today. I got up at ten in the morning and managed to get his birthday present and everything. I suppose I should say I'm pleased with myself because of that. For once I woke up when I decided that I would and managed to do everything I wanted. So I think it leaves you with a good thought about how you manage your life. I also didn't have to interrupt my mother's dacing classes. I asked my father to take me to buy the present and I did the rest myself. I didn't arrive late or terribly early to anything and I was quite amused with Sebastian's family. To say the least it was quite a fullfilling day. I got to write quite some part of Nina's present in the morning though I couldn't write any CoR chapter because Rcik did not arrive.
Well, I have my CB: Baali at last and it's all mine, and I had a very nice chat with Joel about God and feelings. I like being able to do that with my friends.

Friday, June 20, 2003

And I wonder...
Nothing much happening either today or yesterday. In fact yesterday was so pathetic that my (very small) post was destroyed by an error in my computer. Medici and msn being quite the brats lately. Well at least today I got some inspiration back, I managed to get a little bit more of the Johannsen scene I was stuck on. Got most of the close family names and the personalities sorted out, and thank god Constantin is being nice and giving me threads to pic up. Well I need to go to sleep so tomorrow I can get up early and go and buy the goddamn presents for Sebastian. Or else I'll feel totally embarassing.
Read a novel by my friend Christian yesterday night. Spent all night reading it actually. It took me some time to realize that I couldn't sleep because I wanted more of it. One of those novels with so many twists and hidden traps that it engages you even when you are not reading it. I'll keep thinking about what the characters are going to do. Completely sure Vanessa (the thief) will betray the group, but it'll look like it was Julius since he is the most unsympathetic character. The curse. Well that one's difficult, somehow I'm sure that if it is a true fantasy novel it will have something to do with the characters traveling in time. Maybe Douglas used that curse to take them back to Medieval Times. Could never stand it if Christopher and Katalina got together. Such an annoying chauvinistic idiot.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Kiss the Rain
Got up at three pm again! I can't stand it! I went to sleep early and I was still so tired. It scares me because I have my period and it makes me think of the way Noemi felt. Every illness that has something to do with hormones scares me because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. To prevent it or anything. Well I went to jazz anyway. Fell asleep in the taxi I was still scared when I got there. Mother says I'm probably depressed, but I don't feel depressed.
Well I think it's just my imagination but I felt more tired than usual at the warm up, though I performed the choreograhpies quite well. I got in an even worse mood because I couldn't stay to flamenco.
I had to take a taxi back home.
I don't know how, but this city always manages to inspire me. Some of my best pieces have come from it's streets, from it's great expanse of grey avenues and the gigantic monsters that metro stations are. I feel the rain on my face, such a tiny drops and I fall in love with the place I live in. I want to know other countries like that, the intimacy of a raindrop among millions of voices. The knowledge, the everyday knowledge of walking familiar places and recognicng the familiar gestures. I long for France as I've longed for few countries. Paris where my parents lived. Paris where so many famous writers have lived.
I don't want to be common, I want to be precocious, I want to be a genius, excepcional. I want to be the best, if I'm not the best it doesn't matter to me. I suppose that's why it hurts me so much not to be praised at CoR. There are so many wonderful writers there, and I always do my best and it's not enough.
So I got home, I had a nice chat with the taxi driver, he said my eyes were pretty and today I felt pretty. It's been so long since I felt pretty.
Mom was talking on the telephone and I took a bath. I was hoping to catch Rick on the msn messenger but as it stand I'll never do as mom keeps hagging the phone until it's too late. Rick is online early and I need to do a scene for my chapter with him.
Well no sign of him today and haven't worked on anything useful today. Mom suggested i take art classes. Will ask Derre advice on that.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

To bed darling
Woke up at four o'clock in the afternoon. I am going to sleep now. This just can't continue or I'll go crazy. And tomorrow I need to be fresh for to face the day, since I'll have to find a way to get back from my dancing classes as my mother will probably be unable to help me. Some friends invited me out but I told them I couldn't because of those lessons. I want to go everyday from now on, I just don't want to fail myself anymore. And I have absolutely no inspiration for next Elaine chapter because of how little happened to her in this one. I was barely mentioned and it makes me so mad it takes away all the ideas and energy I had for it. Unfair really. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with some nice ideas for the Elaine chapter this week. There are going to be some very nice Johannsen scenes adn bittersweet ones with Liam. Since poor Elaine seems to die at the end I can be my wonderful profetic omenly self all I want.
Well went to the therapist today. We talked about Santa Cruz today and I realized I want to go to live to another country, but not USA. I want to go to Europe. Learn a new language, a new lifestyle. I don't want to do the same boring California trip over again. There are so many places I would like to see. Germany and Austria being my latest obsession along with Spain. France is a life long dream; I want to live there and learn french. Most wonderful authors know french and have lived there at some moment in their lives. I just like being precocious. I wanted to be there before anyone. It's not fair, my father had promised so long ago. But well nothing ever seems to come from those promises.
I asked both my therapist and my mother about Austria and Vienna. That has given me some ideas for the Johannsens.
Even though I'm really mad. So much work and we aren't even in this weeks chapter more than by mention. Unfair.
Leave the lights on
Slept till two in the afternoon.
I am proud of myself. I was so tired and I still went to my dancing lessons. Even though my mom couldn't take my I took a cab and got there perfectly on time. I even had some moments before the jazz lesson started so I could talk to Dora. She is my teacher and is one of the many reasons why I love women so much. She just loves what she does so much. you can see it when she dances, the way she moves, the detachtment over her body. It is lovely how she turns it into a tool for her purposes, so like an extension of her soul, so like art. I love watching her dance, she is a wonderful teacher. I know it's strange, but i feel so attracted to her body, not in any sexual way, just the simple aesthetics of the woman form. Her tiny shoulders, how she commands her torso and hips so gracefully, her rising chest. She is so lovely it makes me want to cry.
Well classes went perfect. I like feeling the exhaustion after them. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something.
I also wrote some of this week's chapter beforehand. Can't wait for tomorrow. Will start typing Derrewyn's present.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Can't believe that I actually stayed up all yesterday's night finishing the CoR chapter with Andy. I am so proud of myself and of her. Twenty-two pages and 12 000 words! It was quite an Odyssey, was even attacked by one of those horrible giant moths at about seven in the morning when I was nearly done with my part. Anyway I am quite satisfied and happy with what we have done and can't wait till Tuesday to see what our girls will be up to next chapter.
After having about two hours of sleep and a nice breakfast I got hauled over to watch a wonderful play called Extras. It's something I definately love about my mother, that she always seems to knwo the sort of things I will enjoy utterly. She insisted I had to see this play, so she went off and bought the tickets. She made a whole mess trying to invite Adrian along, but in the end it was just us and my aunt.
I was nodding off during lunch and half the play, but I still enjoyed it inmensely. It was done completely without a scenery, most of the props were only pieces of clothe and the whole idea was to centre the attention on the acting and the lights. No doubt most of it was good because the two actor were wonderfully talented.
Anyway, I've had fun today and I have a mind to get to drawinf some shoujo ai for CoR. So I'll just have to get some inspiration.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Once Around the Block
Nothing of much interes, either today or yesterday. All calm and quite cheerful even though I know I'm not loved by him. My mother says she is proud of me because I have dealt with it so cheerfully. Frankly I dislike it, even though this is supposed to be healthy, I miss the pain, I miss knowing the intensity and truth of my feelings. I feel like I'm lying to myself and I don't like it.
But as I've said, everything is cheerful, everything is okay.
I've been writing a lot of different things lately, ranging from Kali's long lost B-day present to thwi week's chapter for CoR, it's been quite productive I think, but I've realized I still have much to cover in the CoR chapter, we are far from done.
Yesterday I stayed home all day, being lazy and ordering japanese food. Didn't even take a bath which is very rare for me. today, wel today I went out with my father adn we ate togehter at my Grandmother's house. Everyone is being much nicer, or so it seems to me. I think the talk I had with dad helped in some way I cannot yet fathom. It is the one thing I can say I'm proud of this week. Well that and the fact I attended all my dancing lessons.
Now I have to get back to work.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Ordinary World
Somewhere around three in the afternoon I woke up. I am calm, terrifyingly calm. I know the agony, I know the despair and they are not here. It would be easier if they were, I don't like feeling like this because it scares me. I like intensity, in a way I like pain because it's pure, it's something I can feel safe with.
I'm angry and I feel deceived.
I went out to eat with mom because there is no food in the house. Then she took me to the therapist and I had quite an enjoyable chat. Again we didn't speak of the things that bother me, perhaps because I am a bit ashamed of admitting them to him. But if it's not to him then to who? Not much else except that I accompanied her to her own therapist after that. I had a pie I shouldn't have had. Well so much for diets. We got back home and she finally showed me her dancing veil. It was beautiful, from Turkey. We put music on and she danced for me. It was fun.
It's quite late and I'm still trying to write a bit of 'Vestigios Humanos' and this weeks chapter. I think I just might.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Fade to Black
I suppose it should be difficult to sort my emotions out after my boyfriend tells me he doesn't know how he feels about me. It's not. I am in pain. I love him. I adored the love shinning in his eyes and feeeling through his caresses. I am aching inside for that love. I don't want to stop loving him. I don't want to be a passing fancy. I want everything like it was. I want to feel loved again because I don't want the pain back. I don't want the rejection. Not from D, because I never know what he is goign through and all this time my only anchor was knowing he loved me. Now I don't have even that.
Damn you because I cannot hate you.
Damn Javier for being right.
And damn myself for even thinking this would last.
He always ruins my day. I was so happy I had gone to dancing classes and enjoyed them inmensely. And my dad took me out for breakfast and he was utterly nice. Everything was fine except that nagging doubt at the back of my head.
Damn you for making it bleed when it should have all been an illusion, just another made up monster.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Late again
Listenind to Apocalyptica's Fade to Black thanks to my dearest Rick who passed it to me over the msn. I hadn't even realized I hadn't written in here till now. The fact is I was so tired yesterday that it didn't even come to my mind that I had a blog. I had dancing lessons yesterday. Three hours of dancing in total if I count both jazz and flamenco. I was exhausted by the time I got home, and starving too. I got my flamenco shoes finally and I don't want to skip another class for the whole summer as I need the exercise and it makes me extremely cheerful. Got no work done that day because of the excitement and everything but today I did.
Today I got up half an hour late to get to Lorena's birthday at Perisur. I was aching all over due to the unusual strain of the excercise (am stilll aching as a matter of fact). Was the one who got there first even thought I thought I was going to be late. I was in a bad mood because of the pain and because we had to wait a whole hour for everyone to arrive and I had to leave early. Anyway it was an enjoyable morning despite the pain and I got to see Paola for a change. When I got home I was angry that my mother hadn't arrived, after all I'd left my friends at Perisur for her. It didn't seem fair. And she told me sha had forgotten to mention D called me on Saturday; wanted to strangle her.
I've read this weeks chapter that has almost no Elaine whatsoever. So Andy and I have decided to write a chapter together and see how things go. Have a page and half already hurray!
Millie crashed and Garou and I talked to her. She aught to be here so we could take care of her and help her out. Tried to reach D but it was impossible. Wonder what's happening. It's probably that which has me in such a bad mood. It embarrasses me the way my friends curse him.

Sunday, June 08, 2003

Sunday I'm in love
Today I woke up in the worst mood I've had in a long time. It was about three o'clock in the afternoon and that angered me immidiatly. Yesterday I had gone to sleep at six in the morning with the firm purpose of getting up relatively early to write chapter. I uploaded a 15kb piece of crap only because I had to turn it in early otherwise I am always ignored. Was mad at my mother because of that and because of yesterday's events. I cried a little in the shower because she had booked a date with my aunt and my cousin without telling me. I was tired and I had wanted a quiet evening to think things out at home.
I was very nasty with her and I wish I hadn't acted as I did. In the end it didn't make a difference that I went out because I had to upload early and I couldn't work on the chapter much.
I'm feeling better know after going to the movies. Watched a beautiful film on belly dancing. So I guess i should be grateful to mom. I just feel like everyone is eating up the first days of my vacation qhen all I want is to sit quietly and write and answer mails and the like. Tomorrow I start dancing lessons again and I'll be tired as hell the next few days. I just wanted to rest before that.
Called D and he was on the net. I'm still worried but he's acting like it didn't happen so I'll be calm for now.
Never know where to start...
I hate my mother. I hate my father. I don't wish we hadn't talked about it, I just wish he would deign to understand how I feel and stop pretending that I'm stupid and young. He told me that I had no right to complain about how he manipulates the information he gives me, that is the way parent's are. I should accept it. He said very horrible things that made me feel like a hysterical lunatic. I am always so doubtful of my choices. I don't need him doing this to me.
I came dieing and moaning inwardly and my mother was on the phone. She didn't hang up until two o'clock in the morning. I wanted to call D and I'm so angry I can't take it. I'm crying too, and it's been so long since I cried without a good and concrete reason. My mother is screaming at me to get to bed and it just feels so unfair. And I know I can't even mention it because she'll start on me about how I'm always on the net. I suppose she's right. I suppose that's what makes me feel so stupid. I couldn't even use the time to write Elaine's chapter. I'm feeling like nothing again, like something worth nobody's time. I can't get anything of consequence out of my efforts and I feel like such a fool.
I knew he was going to act like this. I expected it ever since I started talking to him. We were making so much progress, I was happy because we were speaking about important, significant things. He was telling me the truth for once I think. I'd like to believe he was. Then suddenly he starts telling me that I can't expect to be told the truth by my own parents. That it's not a right I have. God I wish I hadn't hated him so much then. I wish it hadn't hurt me like it did. I wish my mother had not been on the phone so I could tell her or call D or get online and talk about it with Millie. But instead I just watched stupid movies on the TV and did nothing that could make me think of anything deep.
I'm so ashamed of myself.
This was supposed to be a nice and calm day considering I slept until six in the morning last night. I wasn't expecting my father to wake me up at ten in the morning to tell me I had an hour to get dressed up for my grandmother's birthday. I suppose I'll be sleeping late today again. I'm just so frustrated that I lost time on the chpater because I didn't have the patience or discipline to sit down and get to work.
Well I don't even know if I did the right thing now. If I should have told him that all the hostility in this family bothers me very much. He said I was just acting the martyr after some time. I hated him then. He always tries to explain the problems i have with medical and adolescent theories. I'm just a histerical firl who he had the misfortune to procreate... or at least that's how he makes me feel sometimes. Like I'm not worth his time, like I'll never be good enough.
I don't want to think about D. I just want to finish my chapter.
I'm so angry I have to publish this post at this time of the morning. It's not even Saturday anymore.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Second Woman
My eyes sting. I am wondering if Millie is right and it is all just a pacing fancy. I hate myself, it's so horrible to know with cruel certainty that I was never good enough for him. I'm never good enough for any of them. I think I should just be glad he took the time to see it for himself. I should be glad for the taste of Heaven. It's not over yet, but it may be. I cannot stand his innuendos, his warnings, I cannot stand his quiet breathing over the phone line.
But I'm calm. I'm not crying yet. I just feel angry and deceived and very sad. I told him I wouldn't be his second woman, he said I wasn't and I asked him to explain why. He left. Now I'm wondering whether I should call him or not, whether the threat will be fulfilled or not.
I am listening to Aimee Mann.
Baby you're great, you've been more than patient
Saying it's not a catastrophe
But I'm not the girl you once put your faith in
Just someone who looks like me

Maybe I'll use this song for the Elaine/Liam scene in this chapter. I should be working on it since I must upload it before Sunday, but I'm not really in the mood. So I guess I'll just be answering mails and writing in here for sometime. I'll work on "Vestigios Humanos" too. I had some ideas that might work for it last night. It'll keep my mind off brooding about D.
Incidentally I went out with Lore and Adrian today. I asked D to come and he said he might. He didn't. I felt a bit alienated from Lore and Adrian after the Dance Dance Revolution game. Had to leave the movie early because of my mother. I think they felt sorry. I don't like being pitied. It was strange. At least it isn't as bad as last year.
I suppose I'm just in a bad mood. Too bad yesterday's happiness didn't last...

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Well it has been a long while since I had the time or the energy to write in here, or at least it feels like a long time, it's really only two days (yes I am a neurotic I want to keep record of every day). Just yesterday I spent the afternoon studying Drama and reading my new WoD book and... editing my new website! Have just finished my last exam (Drama for the record) and am back at home and I have my green pijama on. I am content and at ease with the world for once in a long time. For the past two or three days I've been sleeping less than four hours and studying and worrying but now I am finally free. Didn't even have to present the Maths exam again and I thought I would have to. I am just facing virtually three months of free time.
Well, to begin with I have to get a job. Next on the agenda is answering mailing lists and keeping up with the two RPGs... and of course I'll be writing. I am so happy that I'll have the time to write with Millie and Joel again. But the first things are the presents I owe, both written and drawn. Then Messiah and my webpage!
I am so proud that Knossos is finally becoming a reality. I don't know where to begin. Millie and Derre say the layout is coming out good and I have to work with Joel too. So much I want to do. Am not full of energy, not now at least. But tonight I'm going to go to sleep early and try and recover from the hellish week. Then it's going to be drawing and writing like mad.
I have a little voice in my head telling me I should finish writing the Drama plays just for the heck of it, but really am too exhausted to even think about doing that. Need some sleep and some time off the net talking to Diego. He called me yesterday night and I was ashamed I hadn't called him in the last four days. Well I'd tried but everytime I did he was not at home and the rest of the time I spent in internet or my mother was calling someone. He could not call me then probably.
Well I'd like to spend less time here now that there are no pressures. I have to do many things. But since Diego gets home at three in the afternoon and Millie and Derre are in I think I'll stick around some time.
Ah, it feels so good to be alive!

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Green is the World
Unholy hour of the morning and I am still writing the drama plays because I've been lazy all day trying to learn how to operate the Frontpage. Maths exam went fairly easy because of the extra time we had to study, am tired of CoR and the Knossos Web is finally looking real.
Shall sleep and finish Drama tomorrow...

Monday, June 02, 2003

Exams Go Hell
Got up at six thirty in the morning, highly annoyed and highly worried. Why? Because yesterday I was taken away to the other side of the city to see my grandmother, even though I had told my mother I needed to stay at home to study for computer exam. I had fallen asleep at four in the morning the previous day trying to finish my RPG chapter and studying for the same exam. I was tired and I needed to rest to get up early for my exam today. It didn't matter to her. We stayed there till it was about ten p.m. and made it home almost at twelve. I knwo my grandmother is sick and that she is not as strong as before and that I hadn't seen her in a while. I love her, but it was still unfair that my mother had decided without even telling me. I was furious, not only with her but with myself. I hadn't known the exam was so close, I should have payed more attention and studied harder on Sunday instead of doing the chapter. But really these exams mean nothing to me now. They should, but they don't.
I should have studied all afternoon for the repetition of my maths exam today, but I was having entirely too much fun at the internet. Anyway I arrived at home intellectually exhausted for all the last minute studying I had done for computers. I was dead on my feet.
The happy news is that Joel has invited me to his new site. He will be hosting our joint writings in there and it makes me joyous that someone did this for me. I can't do it at my computer because the connection doesn't let me reach any host, but it's something that I've wanted for a long time. We discussed the layout issue with Derrewyn and she is a real master at doing all that so I am confident we got some nice advice. Will have to hone my Photoshop skills after the exams.
Right now I'm worried about the Drama exam more than the Maths one. Have to write three small plays for Thursday and have no idea what I want from them. Well, I'll just have to work hard on it tomorrow. Must sleep then.
Lord save me from tomorrow's nightmare. I think Adrian hates me sometimes. I wished I had called D today. No computer for me tomorrow, this is too much. How does Javier manage to worry em everytime we speak through the msn?