Before anything else, yes I am feeling better. No, I still can't get over the suicidal urge but at least it's not pounding in my head constantly anymore.
I'm tired beyond anything and not trusting in hope anymore. My belly is in agonizing pain and I should go take the cramps medicine thing before I enter shock...
It's not like I can write or even THINK about writing. I have a thousand things to do and I want to do none of them. Somehow I'm working under the impression that whatever I do, however hard I try doing it, simply won't work. I get the feeling that the 8.88 of my fifth semester is going to chase me with a vindictive passion long overdue. It seems like the last stroke, as if the only thing worthwhile in me, the only thing that ever gave me value is... just not as good as I thought.
And if I can't be the best I can then what good is working anyway? What good is staying in or the weekends to do the same dreary work if the result will be the same... grey, half-good, half-interesting.
I can't live like this... how can people manage a 10 for average? How can I be that excellent, that good? By working for one, by not being here but back in my Psychology work...
Oh, did I tell you? I think I'm in love... my heart is still pounding... fancy that...
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