God, sweet God I've spent the last 45 minutes huddled in my bed trying not to be heard while I cry. God I think I'm dying, I think I'm shattering. God O God I'm trying not to tremble and I'm just thinking can somebody hold me I'm in pain, I can't stand the pain.

And it had been a year since I last considered wildly what could be found in my house that could kill me, what would ever give me a quick painless death. I was thinking, my mom's pills, no. Any chemicals in the kitchen, no I'd have to investigate.

I'm so scared. I don't want to hurt people anymore, I don't want to be a burden anymore, God I can't face life anymore. I'm so scared, I'm so scared...