During the last week, I've been circling over things I would rather put away. I've been considering people I don’t want to consider, engaging in thought processes I thought I had left behind. Busy, in other words, in the endless task of assigning blame.
Parallel to this I have been feeling more and more depressed. There's an sense of impending failure in the air for me. As if, along with my cloud of bad thoughts over people, a cloud of bad behaviors has returned.
I've been going over the relationships of these last couple of years, smashing my way out of this horrible funk. It was easy, full of energy. It was righteous and profoundly satisfying. I got to let go of everyone before they let go of me. I could chose to understand what was happening to me in terms of my own self-preservation instead of in terms of the inevitable. I got away with it for weeks, letting myself believe in my own rightness and health, propping myself up, filling up with the hot air of being so much better than those others. I got to be as selfish and arrogant as I have ever wanted to be because I was doing it in the name of my own good.
And it has been utter and completely pointless. I've yet to feel any better, and in fact, have only managed to feel worse, more and more afraid each day.
Today, I had a tiny reminder of why I am truly so mad at some people and with it, I made certain connections I had so far ignored. It's helped me understand why in these last days I've been so invested in my idea of I AM DOING GOOD and the idea of YOU PEOPLE ARE GROSS. I'm not happy where I am in my life. I want to get paid more, I want to finish school and I want to write. All these things are not actually outside my possibilities and are attainable with a certain amount of patience. But at some point my patience was going to run out. And it has.
On my way to school today, I had this running commentary of how I was going to write this blog entry an make it meaningful and flowing, so that you could see how I had arrived to my brilliant conclusion.
It's actually pretty simple. I'm not happy. Let's look at these other people who are even LESS happy than I am and see them suffer. Buahahaha, watch me judge you people who have no idea I am judging you! What? Why are you not crippled by my disdain for your crappy choices? Well, you are kind of, not by my disdain, but certainly by the crappy choices themselves. But, the thing is that these people don't live in my head. They do not judge themselves by the standards I use to judge myself, and obviously, sometimes others.
And the thing is, these are not actually good standards. In fact, I've spent the last couple of years trying desperately to shed them because they, too, are cripplingly crappy. They made me as unhappy as any of these people have ever been. And what's most important, they're not real.
Perhaps, it's not so much that I am doing everything late, late, LATE and things must happen NOW, but that I get the feeling that they should. I should get paid more. I should finish school. I should write more. Any time at which I've tried to do what I should do has always ended up as a gigantic waste of time. With the kind of pressure I can put on myself through sheer imagination, I always end up snapping.
I forget how much I need to forget about shoulds and refocus on what my reality actually is. It's actually not a bad reality, and more important than being better than those other people's reality, it is a reality I can be content with. I need to stop looking at other people and begin to gaze inwards; ask myself the questions I need to ask and forget about those other lives out there, led by people who do not want what I want.
Let others figure out what their courses are. Mine has been set already.