Thursday, August 23, 2012

Silent All These Years

Last night I was talking to Andrea and we were remembering this song. We were remembering our love for this woman, a love so old and well-known.

I've been remembering a lot of things lately and some of them seem so strange under the new light of health that they don't feel quite like memories. They feel new. I've been writing so much. It's been years since I wrote last, but I never wrote like this, never with such a deliberation, never with such a clear goals in mind. I've written as a compulsion, I've written to survive, I've written to communicate... but somehow I've never written like this. So calmly and purposefully. I've been reading all my old stuff and somehow it doesn't seem quite as awful as I remember it. I wonder if this new way of writing will change this?

I keep wondering things about myself. I keep being afraid of seeing myself as anything more than a little girl who wants to one day do things. Writing as I wish to write, living the life I wish to live, dreaming of a future, of growth, of building things. I'm afraid to want anything too badly. Sometimes this is because I feel like everything I've wanted has always failed to be... but it hasn't, not really, not when you look at it carefully. And so many times the things that have failed me have done so out of this very fear.

It's been so great lately. And most of it has come from stopping the fear, from saying yes, more than I say no.

Often I forget how much I am capable of.

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