I keep thinking of how to begin this entry, circling and circling around on the same idea which basically begins with "I am so wrong in every way..."
It's not something I want to give too much thought too. It sounds childish and juvenile and more than a little self-centered. What I'd like to say has less to do with the definite reality implied in that echo of "wrong, wrong, wrong" and more with the perception of said reality. The truth is that I'm doing good. Pretty good. Workwise, schoolwise, personal workwise. Along with all the difficulties that have presented themselves in these last months there has been a torrent of goodness; originating I think from the simple desire to live the life I have.
Last night I had a plan. I had decided that I've been writing too much about interior things and that it was time to remember how to describe things. I was going to talk about how much more inspiring grey skies are and I was going to make some trite comments about the concept of the sublime and nature and things I wish I understood better. I wanted to talk about the sun and the trees and that window of mine which I wasn't really seeing because I was back at my mother's.
Someone just said one of my translations wasn't good enough. It is ludicrous to think that such a small thing, among all the others which are going right in my life, should make me feel like everything is crashing down around me. There went my beautifully prepared plan.
There's no point to it and sometimes you have to ignore the neurosis creeping up on you and inundate yourself with messages of how things are working out for you. Even if you don't quite believe them.
Trying to write while avoiding the big negative chunks of your mind is difficult. It makes me want to stop as soon as I can and it makes it hard to access that place where you look at what you're really feeling. I keep coming up on different barriers, things I don't want too touch, sadness that has become familiarly dull. It's like I've tread this path over and over again and I just want to get to something new. Because... so much of what is happening in my life right now is new. Unexpected and lovely and new.
There's something defiant about it, like something inside of me, disdainfully repeating "ah, but I know I'm doing the right thing and nothing you can do will change that..."