Adrift

I fear how constantly tired I am, almost as much as I fear how constantly lonely I feel. There is so much I wish still to do. I haven't even begun and already I feel like it is too much to keep up. It is always as if I have yet to prove any of the things I believe of myself: that I am smart, that I am an artist, that I am a writer...

That I am lovable.

I am tired of being thankful for all the things I have. I've worked so hard for so many of them but it is still never enough. Not just because desire is endless but because just living, just keeping my head above water, gets harder every day. Four years ago I would have thought what I earn today to be more than enough. Four years ago I wouldn't believe how close I am to entering a masters program. To writing the book I've always wanted to, to be learning a language which has been calling to me for years...

I fear that I don't know how to be content. I fear that I don't know how to rest.

I remember that line from Practical Magic, sometimes I dream of being whole again.

I don't know if I've ever felt whole. I remember being loved and being wanted and I imagine that is what it would be like. I was so much less then than I am now... did I feel like I was more? I don't remember that.

I am monstrously envious of the people around me who never doubt their worth. Who never seem to question their right to the titles they claim: writer, strong, capable, smart, deserving. I wish to know the secret to this confidence, this trust in one's place in the world. Would I do less? Work less? Accomplish less? ... if only I were secure in who I am and what I deserve.

Would I feel ready to start writing?

I'm doing my best to practice, to keep it up... but all I feel is hideously tired.

I wake up at the crack of dawn to do the pending work. I feel like crying because all I want to do is sleep and eat and do something that brings me comfort. I miss drawing. I miss reading. I had a day off and I felt like myself for the first time in weeks. I can't forgive how removed from that I feel now. I don't know how I'll find the energy to work on everything that makes me myself.

I'm so lucky in so many ways that it feels petty to complain or worry about all of this. I just want some rest but I don't know how to do that anymore or even if it will work if I do. I've got a whole new project and phase in my life I need to start on and I need to find a way to feel ready for it.

I just don't know how